Why Consciousness Matters: III
Did you know that we’re all struggling to achieve a higher state of consciousness?
Growing in consciousness human evolution. If you ever feel “stuck,” your soul is begging you to find a way to increase its consciousness!
Here’s my third-grade definition of consciousness and why it matters: consciousness is your ability to work through stuff. The more you work through things in your life, the more intimacy, peace, freedom, and connection you’ll experience.
Consciousness is when discomfort and adversity is experienced and reprocessed in healthy and productive ways. Our cumulative ability to work through things in different fields roughly represents our consciousness as individuals and collectives. So, how can you grow in consciousness?
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What Really is Narcissistic, Borderline, Histrionic, and Sociopathic Disorder?
In light of Amber Heard’s trial—and lawyers and psychologists throwing around terms like ‘narcissistic,’ ‘borderline,’ ‘histrionic,’ and ‘sociopathic,’ disorders, I thought it’d be pertinent to clarify what all this means. You may even hear some of these terms from others too. For starters, read my intro blog to personality disorders.
To give an overview, there are ten diagnosable personality disorders and narcissism, borderline, histrionic, and antisocial (colloquially called sociopathic) fall into something called Cluster B, or the dramatic group. Each of these are larger than life. For context, while you can have traits of different personality disorders, you can only be diagnosed with one.
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Have a Healthier Conversation with Yourself
First, have you seen the movie Inside Out? The one where the people have all these internal characters—Anger, Sadness, Joy, Disgust, Fear—speaking to one another?
Conscious of it or not, we constantly have different parts speaking to us. They each have their own unique personality and fears. When stressed, our parts speak louder and more incessantly. Parts may be emotions like the ones in Inside Out, or they may also be thoughts, physical sensations, and bodily reactions.
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What's the Point of Therapy?
The idea of “therapy” can feel confusing, especially if you’re new to it.
You talk to someone who has been through therapy, and it gets even more confusing. Some loved it. Some hated it. Each therapist uses different modalities. It can get expensive. But ultimately, what’s the point of therapy?
I’ll start here.
Whether I’m working with an individual or a couple, no one can outrun their reality. At least I’ve never seen it. I can attest to that in my own life. Truth always reveals itself.
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Regain Your Energy in 2022
We’ve never been as emotionally drained as we are now. Most of us are a step away from feeling wiped out.
Have you wondered why this is?
Right now, more than ever, we have competing values stirring within us. A simple example may be we say we value health and wellness yet we go to bed too stimulated and too late. A more complex example may be we say we value peace yet we people please, which eventually leads to strenuous outcomes. Any time our value sets and actions don’t align, we’ll feel emotionally drained.
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While There's No Quick Fix, Try This.
Did you know your emotions are tied into your body?
Almost all of this operates unconsciously.
Before your mind registers its angry, not confident, or tired, you may clench your fist, slump your shoulders, or yawn. Here’s where people are less aware though. Each time your body initiates an action, it actually reinforces this emotion in your mind. Yes, your experience of the emotion becomes heightened by how your body reacts. So if you feel like you can’t shake a particular feeling, all you may need to do is shake up your body.
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What Your Relationship Probably Looks Like
In a relationship have you ever found yourself getting into the same cycle over and over? Okay, you’re not blind.
One person gets frustrated, the other gets silent. One person feels unheard and unloved, the other person feels they can never do enough to please the other. One person reaches out, the other pulls away. One person yells, the other yells louder. Time and space comes in between, perhaps even an apology. And at some point, one person tests to see if it’s safe. Then there’s some form of emotional reconnection, even if it’s a small one.
Over time, your cycle are happen so automatically that you don’t even realize they’re happening. That’s called being in a stuck state. You know what’s interesting? Did you know your relational cycle isn’t unique? Almost every couple goes through the same patterns.
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What's a Revolving Slate?
When I first think of the word, “revolving,” my big-boned mind always takes me to a revolving sushi bar. That’s not what this blog is about.
A revolving slate, termed by psychiatrist, Ivan Boszormenyi-Nagy, is when one pattern of behavior is repeated from one generation to the next. Basically, whatever has affected you in childhood will, in time, begin to reveal itself in adulthood.
The way you express your anxiety and pain may not look the same as your parents or grandparents, but it has to travel somewhere. It can go inward, often leading to deep sadness or anxiety. Or it can outward, often leading to anger and jealousy.
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How Old are You...Emotionally?
You know how on the side of a board game box it says, “Ages 7 and Up?”
Or maybe it’s "Ages 3 and Up” or “Ages 12+?”
Why does Hasbro write this? A three year old playing a game for twelve years old won’t go well. They’ll be lost.
Age labels are everywhere. There are PG-13 movies, six grade reading levels, and twenty-one to drink.
When it comes to age, you know what we don’t consider? Emotional age. Yes—this might be a bit awkward, but just like a college aged kid can have a seventh grade level of reading, our chronological age (how old we are) is not indicative of emotional age.
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The Best Time is Now.
Tell me, have you ever said this phrase to yourself?
“I’ll (take care of) __________ as soon as ___________ (happens).”
So this may look like:
“I’ll see a therapist as soon as I try fixing it myself first.”
“I’ll start paying off the loan as soon as I get the promotion.”
“I’ll get a nicer place as soon as I get in a relationship.”
“I’ll eat healthier as soon as I purchase that Vitamix.”
“I’ll start exercising as soon as I sign up for the 10k.”
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The Problem with Overcoming Adversity
In childhood, have you successfully overcome adversity? Meaning, when it came to sink or swim, you learned to swim? Or more often, out of a survival imperative, you didn’t even think about it…you just acted.
At some point in life, we all have faced circumstances we weren’t yet emotionally and physically developed for. We experienced abandonment. We experienced grief. We experienced trauma. But for many of us, without the help of a parent, we also figured out how to deal with it. Naturally, these moments we’ve built the pre-pubescent emotional muscles to overcome our adversity feels like our superpower.
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Is Dating Too Confusing? Try the “Cups” Method
These days, relationships are more nuanced than ever. With nuances come role confusion, meaning, people just don’t know what to do in situations.
Who initiates? Who pays? Who calls back? Or is it a text? Perhaps a gif? Do you go to a higher level of physical intimacy if you like someone…or do you go to a lower level of physical intimacy because the relationship is special?
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2021: Jumpstart Your Relationships
If you want to jumpstart all your relationships in 2021, tune in.
In “The Whole Brain Child,” Dr. Daniel Siegel, psychiatrist and author, explains a key concept of how to communicate to children called, “Connect, then Redirect.” The thing is, connecting and redirecting is not just for relationships with children—it’s for everyone.
I’ll explain.
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Double Your Emotional Intelligence
Take a look at this blog on how to double your emotional intelligence.
We’re going to get into primary emotions versus secondary emotions, and why it’s vital—for yourself and your loved ones—to tune in to what’s happening beneath the surface.
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Intro to Personality Disorders
Have you ever been around someone for long enough and flat out wondered, “Am I crazy?” If so, it is possible you may be around someone with a personality disorder. They’re more prevalent than you’d think.
According to Nami, about fifteen-percent of the population has a personality disorder. I’ll define a personality disorder as an “extremely rigid and unhealthy pattern of thinking, functioning, and behaving.”
Let me tell you why these are so brutal. There’s no real cure. Yes, there’s no pill to decrease symptoms. But even further, unlike a mental illness, a person who has a personality disorder DOES NOT REALIZE they have the disorder!
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Why You're Actually Stuck and What to Do About It
We all have that stuck part of our life. We are in wanting of what has not fully manifested.
To some degree, we all think if __________ happens, I’ll finally feel _________.
If the career advancement happens, I’ll finally feel accomplished.
If my partner finally gives me sex, I’ll finally feel worthy.
If I get this project done, I’ll finally feel rested.
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Narratives are Powerful
Where do narratives come from?
They come from family. From place of birth. From culture. From country. From media outlets and teachers.
You know what’s scary about a narrative?
They are EXTREMELY hard to escape. When we come to believe a narrative, we’ll use “confirmation bias” to selectively choose information to give power to the narrative.
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Hack Your Negative Feedback Loops
Did you know that hacking your feedback loops is not as hard as it seems? You know the main problem? Most people are unaware of their feedback loops and even if they are aware, they tinker with it the wrong way.
Here, I’ll show you how to find a feedback loop and how to successfully hack it. It’ll be different than what you think.
We’ll start here. Did you know that any stuck place in life is based on how you feel about it?
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Have You Outgrown Your Flower Pot?
“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” – Viktor E. Frankl
| Perhaps you’ve tried everything to flourish in your new identity.
| Perhaps you’ve extracted all the nutrients out of your ecosystem.
| Perhaps there really is no more room to grow in your present environment.
If you are being honest with yourself, is it possible that you’ve outgrown your flower pot?
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