Have a Healthier Conversation with Yourself
Have a Healthier Conversation with Yourself
What to Do and What to Not Do
First, have you seen the movie Inside Out? The one where the people have all these internal characters—Anger, Sadness, Joy, Disgust, Fear—speaking to one another?
Conscious of it or not, we constantly have different parts speaking to us. They each have their own unique personality and fears. When stressed, our parts speak louder and more incessantly. Parts may be emotions like the ones in Inside Out, or they may also be thoughts, physical sensations, and bodily reactions.
Examples:
· Emotions: frustration, anger, jealousy, exhaustion, happiness, boredom, discomfort, etc.
· Physical sensations: headaches, increased heart rate, butterflies in the stomach, shortness of breath, numbness, heat or cold, etc.
· Bodily reactions: hands form fists, calves and feet tighten, neck and back stiffen, jaw clenches, nail biting, slumped shoulders, etc.
· Thoughts: hyper-rational or logical mode, rumination, criticism, victimization, delusional, catastrophizing, black-and-white thinking, etc.
What parts are common for you? Take a moment here. What are your go-to’s?
Each parts that arises is a protector. Protectors are always at the ready to jump in. Some protectors are operating low-grade throughout the day (i.e. toe tapping, groaning, or shallow breath) and some arise when facing critical threat.
What’s the role of protective parts? They prevent us from experience deeper injury by either acting outward or numbing inward. Do your parts most often extend outward (i.e. lashing out) or numb inward (i.e. not speaking up)?
How do our parts protect us?
We may feel jealousy to prevent ourselves from feeling inadequate (and ultimately worthless).
We may feel our jaw tighten to prevent ourselves from speaking out (and getting further rejected).
We may victimize ourselves to prevent ourselves from feeling responsible (and like a failure).
Get it?
Just like a we may develop a limp to protect a leg from absorbing too much pressure (and physical pain) we develop parts to protect our soul from absorbing too much pressure (and emotional pain). Parts are constantly protecting us from experiencing deeper emotional wounds like Rejection, Abandonment, Shame, Guilt, Failure, etc. They protect at all costs.
So with all this in mind, are you ready to have a healthy conversation with yourself? Actually, here’s where we’ll start. Notice, right now, if there’s a protective part coming up. Do a body scan. Do you notice discomfort? Does a part of you want to multitask? Just notice what’s coming up right now.
See if it’s okay with us going a layer deeper. If it’s not, it’s okay. Just use that part for our upcoming exercise.
To start, think of a stressful time you’ve had with someone this past week. Identify, “What is a part that came up for you?” If you’re identifying more than one part, which part has the most energy? Hone in on one. And if you had a protective part come up earlier that prevented you from being fully present with this exercise, go ahead and use that part.
So let’s say you have a “worried part” come up. (I’ll use this worried part as an example but use whichever part comes up for you.) Now ask yourself, “How do I feel about this worried part?”
It’s common to think, “I don’t like that (worried) part. I wish it would go away. It’s dumb.” That’d be a Critical Part coming up that interacts with Worried Part. What happens from there? Worried Part may stop talking for a little bit, but it gets more worried. Why? Let’s say the Worried Part was protecting you from going deeper because it was afraid you’d experience a Shame Part—the Critical Part is triggering the same Shame Part, so the Worried Part needs to operate twice as loud in an attempt to protect the Shame Part.
If you’ve ever wondered why you get in stuck loops, it’s because your parts are interacting but not healing one another. So what can you do? Only your Core Self can heal your other parts. How do you activate your Core? From your Core, do your best to be curious about your part.
So if it’s worried part, calmly ask, “Hey Worried Part, can you share why you’re worried?” Do so with your original protective part. Give the part space to answer. It may take a few minutes.
Maybe it says, “I worry I can’t do everything I need to do.” From here, only if it feels authentic to you, do your best to have compassion and understanding and respond something to the effect, “That totally makes sense. I can see why you’d feel worried about that.” Then open it up more, “Can you share more with that worry?” Since parts are usually either ignored or scolded, this part has likely never voiced a deeper fear. Do the same process with understanding and validating its experience.
Stick with this process as much as possible. Here some other healthy questions (and example answers) to ask your parts, and keep in mind, it’s always important to understand and validate its experience.
Part, where do you feel it in your body? I feel a slight pain in my temples.
Part, what do you think of me? I feel you are impulsive and irresponsible.
Part, if you weren’t around, what would happen? I feel you’d lose your friends and job.
Part, what is a deep fear you have? I fear we’ll go back to our old relational dynamic.
Part, how much of a burden do you carry? I am on all day, every day.
Part, do you ever ask or get help? No, I do it all myself.
Part, how effective have your strategies been so far? Honestly, they’re not effective.
Part, what qualities do you wish you had more of? I wish I were calmer and had more courage.
This is a first step in dialoguing a healthier relationship with yourself. Come up with your own questions too
As a bonus, I’m also going to include seven commonly confused parts that we believe are our Core Self; we may have attributed them as part of our Core. Therefore, instead of healing parts, it further activates parts. Then we find ourself in stuck loops.
Critical Part: I don’t like that Part, it’s not helpful.
Executioner Part: I wish that Part would just disappear.
Productive Part: I just need to keep striving and everything will get better.
Positive Part: Stop being so negative, everything is gonna work out. You’re amazing!
Independent Part: I just need to stop relying on others and figure this out myself.
Overly-empathetic Part: I completely agree with that Part…it’s right!
Logical Part: I need to shut off these irrational emotions and focus.
On the surface, many of these parts seem helpful because initially, they may have success. Maybe they help quell the tears and help you get stuff done. Further, these parts were likely grown in childhood and found success in society. But at the end of the day, these parts distance you from creating permanent healing and decreasing anxiety.
Best of luck in dialoguing a healthier conversation with yourself through your parts! They’ll thank you for it.
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If you’re interested in learning more about parts work feel free to reach out and I can send you some resources!