How Old are You...Emotionally?

You know how on the side of a board game box it says, “Ages 7 and Up?”

Or maybe it’s "Ages 3 and Up” or “Ages 12+?”

Why does Hasbro label this on their games? A three year old playing a game for twelve years old won’t go well. They’ll be lost.

Age labels are everywhere. There are PG-13 movies, six grade reading levels, and twenty-one to drink.

When it comes to age, you know what we don’t consider? Emotional age. Yes—this might be a bit awkward, but just like a college aged kid can have a seventh grade level of reading, our chronological age (how old we are) is not indicative of emotional age.

Has someone ever said some specific trigger phrase to you and you flipped out on them? That might be an e emotional response consistent of the developmental age of a three year old. Now, are you emotionally age three? Maybe in that moment. If you acted this way every single time there was a stressor, this means that emotionally, you haven’t developed enough internal coping to progress beyond the age of three.

Emotional age is not correlated to scholastic or career achievements. It’s quite common that a CEO of a Fortune 500 Company has narcissistic tendencies—’a delusional me-first, self-aggrandizing attitude’—consistent with six year old emotional development. You might one or two people like this. Once again, they have underlying emotional needs that weren’t met and instead of finding a healthy internal coping response, they’ve learned to emotionally target others to acquire needs of approval and significance.

Or it could go the other way. If you have many codependent relationships, your emotional age may be closer to age twelve. Generally, in early teen years children begin their identity formation, which includes the ability to create and enforce healthy boundaries. Below is a chart for Erikson’s stages of psychosocial development. If one of these areas is impaired (which is completely normal!), when it comes to emotionally processing through stress, you may be "‘emotional trapped’ at an age.

How come this happens?

If a parent is emotionally trapped at an age, it’s almost impossible for you to learn those emotional skills. For example, if your mom struggled with codependency, she’s going to create a codependent relationship with you. Identity formation will be compromised. Or if your dad struggled with guilt, as this trait likely got passed down, taking initiative may be difficult for you; this usually develops between emotional ages three and five when children begin trying new activities and relationally begin asking if they can play with new friends.

So here’s the long and short of it. It’s helpful to know your emotional age in certain areas of development. Why? This impacts every relationship. Otherwise you’ll always feel that you’re emotionally fighting against yourself and everyone else. And while maturing in your emotional age is not an instant-process, you can always grow.

If you’re finding this info relevant and want to learn more, feel free to reach out. It’ll benefit every area of your life.