2021: Jumpstart Your Relationships
2021: Jumpstart Your Relationships
If you want to jumpstart all your relationships, tune in.
In “The Whole Brain Child,” Dr. Daniel Siegel, psychiatrist and author, explains a key concept of how to communicate to children called, “Connect, then Redirect.” The thing is, connecting and redirecting is not just for relationships with children—it’s for everyone.
I’ll explain.
We have been socially conditioned to objectify people, including ourselves. Meaning, instead of learning see people for who they are, we’ve been conditioned to view people by what we can get out of them. It doesn’t matter if they’re an employee, a spouse, or even a kid.
| When we’re feeling lonely and insecure, we view our spouse by how much they’re going to reject us when we reach out to them for a hug or a kiss or sex.
| When we’re running late for work on a Monday morning, we view our child by how much further they’re going to slow us down before we drop them off at school.
You see?
We have been conditioned to first “redirect” in order to “connect!” We’ve learned to view others as objects. And the reality is you’d be extremely lucky if you have a handful of people who reach out to you based on genuinely wanting to connect, as opposed to what they want from you. Therefore, connecting and redirecting, may feel a bit foreign at times.
Now the truth is, as human beings, we NEED to rely on others. We NEED our coworkers and employees to do tasks correctly! We NEED our spouse to clean up after themselves. We NEED our children to stay in school and achieve good grades. After all, we weren’t meant to live alone and we are intrinsically linked to one another. But here’s the other truth; when we interact with others first, from the lens of what we need from them, they may initially comply—in fact, they may comply for decades—but over time, the emotional connection will wither away. We won’t feel securely attached to them.
Mind if I offer a little hope?
Even if “redirection” has been the foundation of interaction, it’s COMPLETELY possible to shift this!
If I had to describe my goal with couples work with a phrase, it’d be, “first, connect.”
Connection builds trust. Connection builds intimacy. Connection builds hope. And connection will make redirection a thousand times easier.
So, how might, “connecting, then redirecting,'“ look?
Instead of interacting with, "Hey, do you know what you want to do for dinner tonight?”—the unconscious communication is, “I’m getting hungry. I know we have to eat. I’m unable to decide. I’m trying to be nice and let you select, but I’ll interject if I don’t like how you respond. Maybe you could pick it up if you’re not busy”—try this instead. “Hey Honey, how is your day going? You might be busy with the kids so I wanted to check in with you about dinner tonight. A while back you said you wanted Thai, and we never got it. I could pick that up and if you want me to surprise you with something I can do that too.”
Will this create an emotional connection?
I’m not sure. It depends. Some enjoy this communication, others may not. But can you at least see that here, there’s an attempt to tune in? An attempt to create an emotional connection? An attempt to make a partner feel seen? Dinner, while a necessary redirect, is an afterthought to connection.
Everything we do conveys either “redirection” or “connection.” Let me ask you a question. You can feel when someone gives you that extra ten percent of connection, right?
Since you’re a human being, you can feel the tone of another. The extra pupil-to-pupil eye contact. The direction of someone’s toes and hips. You know when someone cares. It doesn’t matter if you’re listening to a teacher, a plumber, a pastor, or a waitress. You know if they’re interacting with you as if you were a paycheck or a human being.
With connect, then redirect, I want to provide a disclaimer. You know the most common reaction? “Oh my gosh, that’s A LOT of work! I want things to be easier, not harder!”
I want to clarify this, because yes, I agree that things should be easier and not harder. But I also want to say that connecting and redirecting is going ot be way less work in the long run. As you know when you start any new habit, it always seems like more work.
Take exercising.
If you want to take up jogging, stretching for five to ten minutes to grease your muscles and joints, is going to seem like a lot of work! But in a little bit of stretching, you’re “connecting” to your body, before you “redirect” it with a taxing run. The muscles in your body will begin communicating with what they need, and even when they’re pushed too much. You’re not just preventing future injury, but when you run, your body will move with more fluidity and efficiency. You’ll recover faster. Over time, your workload capacity will be much higher. Heck, you might even begin to enjoy stretching even when you’re not running.
Let’s go back to connecting and redirecting with relationships.
If you incorrectly redirect before connecting, this can create an attachment injury. What do attachment injuries look like?
A partner holding resentment for an entire night…or week. A simple task for a partner feeling like it takes 10x the effort. Keeping a scoreboard of good deeds—you know, the whole “I did these four things for you and you’ve only done one for me. I need another two things from you so we can be close to even.” So I’m sure you can see how those pesky extra twenty seconds of attempting to emotionally connect can be worth it, right?
By connecting and redirecting, at first it might feel strange to not continually be in constant injury/repair mode (a.k.a. “survival mode”), but over time, it’ll be normalized, and the opposite will occur. Large tasks might feel like they take minimal effort. In fact, you won’t even feel the redirects.