Is Dating Too Confusing?

Try the “Cups” Method.

These days, relationships are more nuanced than ever. With nuances come role confusion, meaning, people just don’t know what to do in situations.

Who initiates? Who pays? Who calls back? Or is it a text? Perhaps a gif? Do you go to a higher level of physical intimacy if you like someone…or do you go to a lower level of physical intimacy because the relationship is special?

Okay, before we get ahead of ourselves, how about we zoom out of a second though? Because role confusion isn’t just in the dating market. Formerly, everyone knew their role and obligation.

If you were an employee, you were loyal to your company.

If you were a boss, you were protective of your employees.

If you were a parent, you were responsible to your children.

If you were a child, you obeyed your parents.

But now? As people’s identities have expanded, we’re less clear in what to do. Heck, even children are taking on the responsibilities of parents and parents are naturally reverting to childlike states.

With that lead in, I want to create more clarity in the confusing field of dating. While we’re talking about dating in this blog, you can apply the same relational principle to any area of life that involves human beings.

This model will be called the “cup” method.

To start, I want you to imagine—or better yet, I want you to draw—a row of five cups in ascending order of volume, small to large. Think shot glass sized (small) to pitcher sized (large).

Each sized cup, from small to large, represents a level of relational status. For dating terms, you could use this example:

1) Cup 1 is a first date.

2) Cup 2 is steady dating.

3) Cup 3 is boyfriend/girlfriend.

4) Cup 4 is engaged.

5) Cup 5 is married.

Is this making sense? Now, you’ll have your own relationship status parameters and cups; that’s for you to define. For example, maybe you want to throw in another cup between 2 and 3 for “exclusively dating” a person. Or, if you’re the type to be highly selective with whom you go on a first date, maybe you want a thimble-sized cup before #1. It’s up to you, but it’s vital that you define your relationship status parameters.

You’ll see why in a second.

Are you ready for how this works? As each sized cup increases in volume, the amount of liquid the cup can hold increases. What does this mean? The relational status can hold or contain more potential for emotional investment.

What’s emotional investment? It comes in many forms: gifts, time spent together, sharing of “I like you’s” and “I love you’s,” sleeping over, introduction to friends and family, moving in together, having children, going to Disneyland, different forms of physical intimacy (hand holding, making out, sex, etc.).–(Disneyland is always the deepest form of emotional commitment because it’s the most stressful).

From here, the cup model simplifies a relationship.

Every person either has a tendency to go one of two ways. You may have a temptation to either overflow a container with emotional investment before the container, or relationship status, warrants that. Or you may go the other way. You may have a temptation to create too large of a relationship status before the previous container was filled.

What are examples?

Some people are plotting marriage strategy before a second date, when “I like you’s” haven’t been shared. According to the cups method, what is happening? The cup of commitment is too large; the emotional investment is barely filling the bottom of the previous cup. Translation: there’s not enough intimacy built up! And now the other way. On a first date, (often inebriated) passionate sex and lustful fantasies are had; the cup the size of a shot glass is too small! The emotional investment will quickly overflow the container of the cup. Someone could get ghosted the next day because there was no relational commitment given. You see that?

When cups and what’s filling the cups are out of alignment, someone is bound to get emotionally hurt. Overflowing a container with emotional investment before its ready—maybe this is giving an amazing, heartfelt gift on a second date—can often lead to burnout, or someone feeling used. And then it goes the other way. Having too large a container with little emotional investment can often lead to a dispassionate or boring relationship. Maybe it’s been five dates of lunches and hikes without any sort of meaningful physical touch or knowing someone’s background.

Especially in an age where almost every type of relationship can get confusing, these containers create safety and intentionality. And like I stated earlier, this cups method doesn’t have to only be for romantic relationships. Let’s say your boss slyly gives you more responsibility than you originally signed up for—essentially asking for higher emotional commitment—you have every right to ask for more money or a different title. Because if you take on more emotional investment without the commitment, you might either end up getting burnt out or resentful. When you stick to the cups method, you’ll find yourself creating more boundaries, becomes healthier for everyone.

So this week, see how you can apply the cups model to any of your relationships. Have fun with it.

I’d start with stating your goals in a given relationship. See where the commitment is. And if you want a higher form of commitment, this may be your opportunity to increase your own emotional investment into your relationships.

Is Dating Too Confusing? Try the “Cups” Method