Narratives are Powerful
Narratives are Powerful
The narratives that are spoken over us are powerful. Most of the time, a narrative is never explicitly voiced. They’re subtle, salient, and silent.
Where do narratives come from?
They come from family. From place of birth. From culture. From country. From media outlets and teachers.
You know what’s scary about a narrative?
They are EXTREMELY hard to escape. They hold a perceived sense of power. When believe a narrative, we’ll use “confirmation bias” to selectively choose information to give power to the narrative. Our emotional state works to keep narratives alive, as they’re closely tied in with a perceived identity.
What are some narrative examples?
iPhones are better than Androids; dogs are better than cats; Republicans/Democrats are idiots, men are less in touch with their emotions; women are less logical, etc. But then things always go personal: my genetics are great; I’m not as smart as other people; I always procrastinate, etc.
We then surround ourselves with people or situations to confirm these narratives. Or if we discover information that’s contrary, we file it away in the “doesn’t exist” trashcan in our brain. And these are just within ourselves. Narratives are powerful because of our relationships.
In relationships, we always have a narrative for our “view of self” and a “view of other.” Here are examples:
View of self / view of other: “I can’t be emotionally understood.” / “He can’t emotionally connect to my heart.”
View of self / view of other: “I can never do enough for her.” / “She will never be satisfied with me.”
View of self / view of other: “I am unlovable.” / “He only wants me for sex.”
Once again, narratives are TOUGH to break. Then you get into relational narratives, and they seem IMPOSSIBLE.
Why? We’ve often chosen a partner who confirms our self-narratives and/or, over time, our partner bends their functioning to continually reaffirms our self-narratives.
Now, this blog isn’t meant for you to fix your relational issues with a simple exercise. That’s impossible. However, it’d first be wise to look at your own self-narratives. If you don’t know where to start, here are the three I’ve found that almost every person experiences.
As you work on these three self-narratives, it’ll be way easier to 1) release your partner of these narratives and 2) allow your partner to release yourself from these narratives. Once again, these narratives aren’t said aloud, but most people believe them on some level:
Narrative #1: I need to “get more.”
Narrative #2: I need to “do more.”
Narrative #3: I need to “become more.”
It doesn’t matter if you’re currently experiencing homelessness or you’re a millionaire; on some level, these three narratives define your identity, or you fill your worth. Everyone develops strategies in order to fill up the getting, doing, or becoming gas tank…or else people feel like they’re running on E. And I’m sure you know what’s next.
If you feel that you’re lacking, you’re going to be looking towards another human being to “give you more,” “do more for you,” or to “become more for you.” Yep, we’ll project our disowned parts onto those closest to us: it could be our boss, our friends, or our spouse. We’ll get pissed we’re not getting a raise or title change. We’ll get pissed we’re not getting sex or empathy. We’ll get pissed we’re not feeling respected or cherished.
And it’s not to say that those in our lives don’t carry responsibility. They do. However, our first responsibility lies in our relationship to self. If that is nice and intact, and our self-narratives are based on empowerment rather than lack, then there are next steps.