Why You're Actually Stuck and What to Do About It

We all have that stuck part of our life. We are in wanting of what has not fully manifested.

To some degree, we all think if __________ happens, I’ll finally feel _________.

If the career advancement happens, I’ll finally feel accomplished.

If my partner finally gives me sex, I’ll finally feel worthy.

If I get this project done, I’ll finally feel rested.

It doesn’t take much of playing the tape forward to realize these loops are self-defeating. Why? You may temporarily feel, accomplished, worthy, or rested, but when you wake up the next day the feelings will still be there.

And sure, as a therapist, I’m going to tell you that these feelings you feel, come from somewhere. Usually, it’s your family of origin. As in, if you’re always chasing accomplishment, your wins were probably never celebrated, and so forth. But for the purpose of this blog, to solve these feelings-loops, I want you to consider these another way.

One my favorite phrases is, “Where else is this showing up in your life?” Believe it or not, there is no singular area of life in which you experience a stuck state. And if you think it’s a singular area of life, that’s EXACTLY you’re deluding yourself.

For example, let’s say somewhere in your subconscious—the state between your conscious and unconscious mind—you need to have that ‘big, ugly, awkward conversation’ with your family member. You know what’s really stopping you? I’ll give you a hint. It’s not their reaction. It’s not that you don’t have time. It’s not even that you don’t have energy.

It might be that you’ve been meaning to clean your smudgy computer monitor and dusty keyboard the past year. Let me explain. You might find that if you clean that smudge, it’ll give you one less excuse to not have that conversation with that family member. Further, where else do you think that’s showing up in your life? You might find that there are another dozen other areas in your life that you’ve kept hidden away from yourself.

You’ll find that the clothes in your closet haven’t been organized as well as the icons on your desktop. Further, those are PREVENTING you from having the conversation with that family member. Because if you were to clean everything up, what would be left? Oh yeah, that conversation.

Or it might work the other way with your emotional loop. You might feverishly be keeping everything in perfect order so you don’t have to address that one issue. Because if you were to finally get past your OCD habits and not get bothered with the mess at hand, maybe then you could stand to have the messy conversation. Maybe then you could be okay knowing that things are going to end up in an unfinished state.

You get me here?

Everything we do is interconnected. Everything. It’s how we interact with strangers. How we manage our environment. How we breathe and take up space. It shows up in our shoulders, neck, and sternum. It shows in our ability to connect with animals and nature. It’s the reason you’ve been meaning to join that sports league or the reason you’ve been meaning to drop the sports league. Each is acting as a placeholder.

So here’s the thing. I’m not going to instruct you to jump over a hurdle. I want you to be mindful of your hurdles. Because even if you think you just one hurdle in a particular area of life, you don’t. They’re all interconnected.

Here’s the good news. You might not believe this now, but getting over any particular hurdle is EASIER than you think. All you have to do is meet it with the right emotional energy and intention. But you may not believe you’re ready for that yet. It’s perfectly okay. You can actually build up that energy and intention with what seems meaningless. Like dusting off that keyboard.

Dan LoneyNovember 1, 2020