What's the Point of Therapy?
The idea of “therapy” can feel confusing, especially if you’re new to it.
You talk to someone who has been through therapy, and it gets even more confusing. Some loved it. Some hated it. Each therapist uses different modalities. It can get expensive. But ultimately, what’s the point of therapy?
I’ll start here.
Whether I’m working with an individual or a couple, no one can outrun their reality. At least I’ve never seen it. I can attest to that in my own life. Truth always reveals itself.
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Regain Your Energy in 2022
We’ve never been as emotionally drained as we are now. Most of us are a step away from feeling wiped out.
Have you wondered why this is?
Right now, more than ever, we have competing values stirring within us. A simple example may be we say we value health and wellness yet we go to bed too stimulated and too late. A more complex example may be we say we value peace yet we people please, which eventually leads to strenuous outcomes. Any time our value sets and actions don’t align, we’ll feel emotionally drained.
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While There's No Quick Fix, Try This.
Did you know your emotions are tied into your body?
Almost all of this operates unconsciously.
Before your mind registers its angry, not confident, or tired, you may clench your fist, slump your shoulders, or yawn. Here’s where people are less aware though. Each time your body initiates an action, it actually reinforces this emotion in your mind. Yes, your experience of the emotion becomes heightened by how your body reacts. So if you feel like you can’t shake a particular feeling, all you may need to do is shake up your body.
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What Your Relationship Probably Looks Like
In a relationship have you ever found yourself getting into the same cycle over and over? Okay, you’re not blind.
One person gets frustrated, the other gets silent. One person feels unheard and unloved, the other person feels they can never do enough to please the other. One person reaches out, the other pulls away. One person yells, the other yells louder. Time and space comes in between, perhaps even an apology. And at some point, one person tests to see if it’s safe. Then there’s some form of emotional reconnection, even if it’s a small one.
Over time, your cycle are happen so automatically that you don’t even realize they’re happening. That’s called being in a stuck state. You know what’s interesting? Did you know your relational cycle isn’t unique? Almost every couple goes through the same patterns.
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What's a Revolving Slate?
When I first think of the word, “revolving,” my big-boned mind always takes me to a revolving sushi bar. That’s not what this blog is about.
A revolving slate, termed by psychiatrist, Ivan Boszormenyi-Nagy, is when one pattern of behavior is repeated from one generation to the next. Basically, whatever has affected you in childhood will, in time, begin to reveal itself in adulthood.
The way you express your anxiety and pain may not look the same as your parents or grandparents, but it has to travel somewhere. It can go inward, often leading to deep sadness or anxiety. Or it can outward, often leading to anger and jealousy.
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How Old are You...Emotionally?
You know how on the side of a board game box it says, “Ages 7 and Up?”
Or maybe it’s "Ages 3 and Up” or “Ages 12+?”
Why does Hasbro write this? A three year old playing a game for twelve years old won’t go well. They’ll be lost.
Age labels are everywhere. There are PG-13 movies, six grade reading levels, and twenty-one to drink.
When it comes to age, you know what we don’t consider? Emotional age. Yes—this might be a bit awkward, but just like a college aged kid can have a seventh grade level of reading, our chronological age (how old we are) is not indicative of emotional age.
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The Best Time is Now.
Tell me, have you ever said this phrase to yourself?
“I’ll (take care of) __________ as soon as ___________ (happens).”
So this may look like:
“I’ll see a therapist as soon as I try fixing it myself first.”
“I’ll start paying off the loan as soon as I get the promotion.”
“I’ll get a nicer place as soon as I get in a relationship.”
“I’ll eat healthier as soon as I purchase that Vitamix.”
“I’ll start exercising as soon as I sign up for the 10k.”
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The Problem with Overcoming Adversity
In childhood, have you successfully overcome adversity? Meaning, when it came to sink or swim, you learned to swim? Or more often, out of a survival imperative, you didn’t even think about it…you just acted.
At some point in life, we all have faced circumstances we weren’t yet emotionally and physically developed for. We experienced abandonment. We experienced grief. We experienced trauma. But for many of us, without the help of a parent, we also figured out how to deal with it. Naturally, these moments we’ve built the pre-pubescent emotional muscles to overcome our adversity feels like our superpower.
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Is Dating Too Confusing? Try the “Cups” Method
These days, relationships are more nuanced than ever. With nuances come role confusion, meaning, people just don’t know what to do in situations.
Who initiates? Who pays? Who calls back? Or is it a text? Perhaps a gif? Do you go to a higher level of physical intimacy if you like someone…or do you go to a lower level of physical intimacy because the relationship is special?
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2021: Jumpstart Your Relationships
If you want to jumpstart all your relationships in 2021, tune in.
In “The Whole Brain Child,” Dr. Daniel Siegel, psychiatrist and author, explains a key concept of how to communicate to children called, “Connect, then Redirect.” The thing is, connecting and redirecting is not just for relationships with children—it’s for everyone.
I’ll explain.
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Double Your Emotional Intelligence
Take a look at this blog on how to double your emotional intelligence.
We’re going to get into primary emotions versus secondary emotions, and why it’s vital—for yourself and your loved ones—to tune in to what’s happening beneath the surface.
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Intro to Personality Disorders
Have you ever been around someone for long enough and flat out wondered, “Am I crazy?” If so, it is possible you may be around someone with a personality disorder. They’re more prevalent than you’d think.
According to Nami, about fifteen-percent of the population has a personality disorder. I’ll define a personality disorder as an “extremely rigid and unhealthy pattern of thinking, functioning, and behaving.”
Let me tell you why these are so brutal. There’s no real cure. Yes, there’s no pill to decrease symptoms. But even further, unlike a mental illness, a person who has a personality disorder DOES NOT REALIZE they have the disorder!
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Why You're Actually Stuck and What to Do About It
We all have that stuck part of our life. We are in wanting of what has not fully manifested.
To some degree, we all think if __________ happens, I’ll finally feel _________.
If the career advancement happens, I’ll finally feel accomplished.
If my partner finally gives me sex, I’ll finally feel worthy.
If I get this project done, I’ll finally feel rested.
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Narratives are Powerful
Where do narratives come from?
They come from family. From place of birth. From culture. From country. From media outlets and teachers.
You know what’s scary about a narrative?
They are EXTREMELY hard to escape. When we come to believe a narrative, we’ll use “confirmation bias” to selectively choose information to give power to the narrative.
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Hack Your Negative Feedback Loops
Did you know that hacking your feedback loops is not as hard as it seems? You know the main problem? Most people are unaware of their feedback loops and even if they are aware, they tinker with it the wrong way.
Here, I’ll show you how to find a feedback loop and how to successfully hack it. It’ll be different than what you think.
We’ll start here. Did you know that any stuck place in life is based on how you feel about it?
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Have You Outgrown Your Flower Pot?
“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” – Viktor E. Frankl
| Perhaps you’ve tried everything to flourish in your new identity.
| Perhaps you’ve extracted all the nutrients out of your ecosystem.
| Perhaps there really is no more room to grow in your present environment.
If you are being honest with yourself, is it possible that you’ve outgrown your flower pot?
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Awareness
How do I really feel?
What do I really think?
What do I actually want to do right now?
These questions seem simple. They are simple. But they’re also some of the most complex questions a person can ask themselves.
Because the answers aren’t as simple as “I feel fine,” “I’m hungry,” and “I need a vacation.” These are mere impulses. They’re parts of ourselves that speak, but we’ve got dozens of parts with different narratives. And they’re quite complex.
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Nine Prompts For Journaling
Journaling.
This is the topic that invokes fear in the greatest of humans.
This is the homework therapists love to assign and clients love to pretend they’ve done.
People like the idea of journaling. They know the benefits of journaling. They hate the practice of journaling.
Therefore, I’m not going to tell you to journal. I’m not going to tell you the benefits of journaling. I’m just going to give you 9 journal prompts. You can decide where to take this. And fine, I’ll give you one-gigantic reason to start journaling.
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Parts Work
Did you know we’re all composed of different parts?
I’m not talking like leg and arm parts, but parts within our soul. How about this. You know when you say something out of character—perhaps you yell at someone—and you say, “Sorry, I wasn’t being myself back there?” Well, I’d agree and disagree with you.
Yes, that wasn’t really you. The core you. That was just a part of you coming out.
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