How to Be Happier

How to Be Happier

We often make life harder than it has to be. We self-sabotage healthy choices and give energy to unhealthy choices—sometimes unknowingly but sometimes, we’ve got a clue. We trap ourselves in invisible cages.

| You might know you must set a boundary but are too afraid to do so.

| You may have potential for a calling but find reasons to not pursue it.

| You might meet a healthy partner but find faults in them and test them to death.

Easy choices = a hard life. Hard choices = an easy life.

If you look back on your life I bet the hard choices you made were the most beneficial. Sure they caused discomfort at the time, but now you can’t imagine what your life had been had you continued down that road. That huge choice or a series of smaller ones led to happiness. You may even notice yourself making a pact to yourself: I’m going to continue down this path of health. But then what happens?

Life takes over. We lie to ourselves and reason it’s not the right season. Then we wonder where our happiness went. So what can you do? How can you bring more awareness to making the correct choices?

I always start with values.

Values = identity = boundaries = worth = life trajectory = happiness.

If I value my health, my identity shifts to being a healthy person. Naturally, I’ll create boundaries in my life that mirror my identity. The boundaries I create determines my worth. How I feel about myself influences my trajectory in life and thus, my happiness. Notice how I’m in control each step along the way. Life and external circumstances aren’t dictating my happiness.

The problem is most people rarely identify what they truly value (and matching choices to mirror that). Then they wonder why their life trajectory (or self-narrative) isn’t filled with happiness. I’ll take it a step further. If you fill your life with a bunch of things that should bring happiness—drinks with friends (fun), buying the nicest car (status), taking a vacation (relaxation), dating the emotionally unavailable douche or douchess (fear), etc.—you still won’t be happy! Why?

They don’t align with your value sets. There will be a temporary high and then you’re back with the reality of your relationship with yourself. So what are examples of healthy value sets?

Common ones I process with people are, “love,” “peace,” “joy,” or “healthy relationships.” It’s a great first step when someone can identify these, but that’s only half the battle. These each come at the cost of an ego.

| Love may come from surrendering your pride, communicating your needs and respecting your partner’s needs.

| Peace may come with communicating boundaries with toxic individuals and people who treat you with true consideration in.

| Joy may come from spending an evening sitting in some deep pain, tending to your inner child who has been hurt and needs attention and protection.

| Healthy relationships may be facing core fears that being intimate and connected to safe people may potentially trigger rejection or a loss of independence.

Naming and following through on your values can be terrifying, but if you can make these hard decisions, you’ll have a much happier and fulfilling life. There are always valid life reasons to not do so, but if you can find and execute your values in the middle of a shitstorm, you know what happens? They will be permanent. Even if you don’t get your desired outcome, you’ve now sowed seeds that will reap a harvest in the future.

Unless there are extenuating circumstances, you truly can choose the life you want to live. Here’s the other reality: if you don’t choose your life, it’ll be chosen for you. It’s magnetic.

To use the above value sets, if you don’t choose healthy relationships, unhealthy relationships will find you; if you don’t choose peace, chaos will find you; if you don’t choose love, fear and regret will find you. Without knowing your values, you’ll find yourself living other people’s lives, chasing “status,” “social approval,” worldly success,” or “safety,” then wondering why you still feel stuck in the same emotional state.

The path of living a value-filled life is often unconventional, however, it’s eternally rewarding. It’s true, you’ll be dancing to a slightly different beat and rhythm than others, but it’ll be your own! You’ll be adhering to values that make you come alive. Your wounded parts of your soul will thank you.