Want to Reduce Your Anxiety? Part I: Try "I Statements"
I’ll continue with more info on the series, “How to Set Healthy Boundaries,” so stay tuned. But this week, I wanted to discuss anxiety. Anxiety disorders are not
Want to Reduce Your Anxiety?
Part I: Try “I Statements”
Have you ever stood next to someone who has enough anxiety they look like a tea kettle before it starts screaming? Heck, you don’t even have to be next to them. You can feel a person’s anxiety across a room. And what happens when you feel their anxiety? Yes, now you get their anxiety.
Anxiety is like hot potato. It gets passed from one person to the next. It’s an unconscious, invisible force. But I also want to point out a misconception with anxiety: everyone has it. All anxiety means is ‘nervousness about the future.’
Most only take a look at it as a problem when they’re at a stage of uncontrollable panic (i.e. a panic attack), then believe that if they take a vacation to Hawaii it’ll disappear. People spend their lives waiting for vacation days to add up as if that’ll solve their problems. That never works.
Believe it or not, there are ways you can reduce anxiety right now without needing to eat poke in a foreign territory. But first, as anxiety is nervousness about the future, let me make another clarification about anxiety. There are two types: “acute anxiety” and “chronic anxiety.”
Acute anxiety might look something like when you have a huge exam in 3 days and you’ve barely studied. It’s a bit more conscious. Colloquially, you might refer to this as “stress.” While every person carries stress, in extreme cases, this anxiety manifests into a panic attack. If you’ve ever experienced a panic attack, you feel like you’re dying.
Chronic anxiety comes from being exposed to trauma. The younger the age, the more repeated the exposure, and the more severe the event(s), will all play a part in the amount of chronic anxiety you carry. This is more on an unconscious level.
Even if someone is extremely stoic and logical (as opposed to fidgety and explosive) they can carry just as much chronic anxiety. While every single person carries some chronic anxiety, in extreme cases, this manifests into PTSD.
With either acute or chronic anxiety, you’re highly concerned that you don’t have control over what is coming your way. Therefore, I’m going to keep this simple: I want to help you gain more of a semblance of certainty over your future.
Are you ready for the tip to help you reduce anxiety?
Per usual, this will all come back to becoming slightly clearer in your identity. The clearer you are in your identity, the less anxiety you’ll carry; the less anxiety you carry the clearer you are in your identity.
Now, what I’m going to say will sound simple. Almost too simple. But let me clarify…you can take this concept as deep and far as your soul will allow.
Here’s the tip: use, “I statements.”
Yep, that’s it. And I should probably give you some pointers on how to effectively use, “I statements.” Because going around and telling every person who offends you, “I hate you,” might feel good in the moment, but will increase your anxiety.
Let’s start with the basics. You might not even be aware of this, but when we become anxious, we are less aware of our self-talk. We often use “you statements” or speak about the other person, without owning any of our statements.
So instead of saying, “You are so annoying when you interrupt me,”—which is a completely valid statement—try saying, “Hey, I feel really frustrated when you interrupt me.”
Another common anxiety booster and a loss of a sense of self is using “we statements.” If you’re close with someone—perhaps a friend, parent, or partner—you might notice yourself doing this. Identities become merged. Instead of having clarity on what you’re thinking, for every thought and feeling to become valid, it must pass through someone else’s invisible approval filter.
So instead of saying, “We are having trouble communicating”—which is a completely valid statement—try saying, “When I speak about my interests, I feel ignored and unheard.”
I’ll do a last tip of a way to use an “I statement” that’s causing us to lose a sense of self. We’ve covered 1) the “you statement,” and 2) the “we statement,” and now I’m going to hit where it hurts: 3) the, “no statement.” Also known as gibberish communication.
With the influx of technology and especially shorthand communication (i.e. text message/social media/dating apps), we can barely state a thought. Like how many times have you told someone that you might attend an event, yet if you were honest with yourself, you have zero intent on showing? Or perhaps you do the pity-showing, then regret you wasted your two free weekend hours showing up to your coworker’s son’s 2nd birthday party.
So, I’m going to tell you to try something that goes against cultural norms: be honest with yourself and others. You might lose a few friends acquaintances in the process. See, I told you this one might hurt. However, you might realize that it might not be healthy for you to divest your energy amount 1,573 human beings.
So what might this look like?
Instead of saying to your coworker, “Sounds like fun, I should be free on Sunday,” then not showing up, perhaps say, “Thanks for the invite. I have other obligations (even if that obligation is preserving your sanity), but I hope you have a great time.” You’ll find that while this may spike initial anxiety, chronic anxiety will actually start to heal.
Here are some other “no statement” examples.
It’s the complete removal of personal pronouns.
Instead of, “Sorry, got caught up with errands and couldn’t respond,” use some “I’s”: “I’m sorry, I got caught up…and I couldn’t respond.” It doesn’t seem like a big deal, but this gets you in the practice of owning your statement.
Instead of, “Going to be in your area if you’re free for coffee!” try, “I’m going to be in your area. I know it’s late notice, but will you free to grab coffee?”
Or instead of, “Looking forward to it,” try, “I’m looking forward to seeing you.”
Just like with the above “you statement” and “we statement” examples, in all these “no statement” examples, the original communication is valid. It’s honest. But we’re peeling back the layers of becoming truer to ourselves and others. In a way, you’ll be putting yourself out there a little more. You’re creating a higher margin for letdown and awkwardness; however, you’re also creating pathways to deeper connection.
Heck, maybe in time, instead of telling people, “Love you,” you’ll even be able to utter an, “I love you.” Okay, perhaps we’re getting ahead of ourselves.
If there’s further interest in how to better communicate your thoughts and feelings to reduce anxiety, I’ll make another post on how to effectively use an “I statement.”
Dan specializes in the treatment of anxiety, and derives principles of his conceptualization on anxiety from Murray Bowen, one of the pioneers of family therapy and founders of systemic therapy. This is all part of getting out of a stuck state and recreating your identity.