How to Set Healthy Boundaries - Part II (Identity)

In my last blog, “How to Set Healthy Boundaries - Part I,” I left off with this point: the better you embody your true identity, the more naturally you’ll set healthy boundaries.

Let me zoom in on that.

Boundaries and identity complement one another. Better knowing yourself allows you to set healthily boundaries; setting healthier boundaries allows you to know your true self.

· Decreased stress and insecurity

· Increased energy and confidence

Here’s how this works.

What’s the root of your identity? Your true values?

Every person forms an identity based on his or her values. The more you value something, the more boundaries fall in line. A shortcut to finding out what someone values is their set boundaries. And if you don’t think you set boundaries, you’re fooling yourself. However, right now, you may set boundaries on auto-pilot. I’m going to work with you on how to consciously set boundaries.

When I was 16, I valued the Los Angeles Lakers. I identified myself as a huge Lakers fan. Therefore, what do you think happened when friends ask me to out on a Thursday night at 7:30 Pacific Standard Time?

I’d first check the Lakers’ schedule. If they were playing, I’d tell them, “Sorry, Thursday night isn’t open, how about Friday?” If my friend was a Lakers fan, I’d open my boundaries to them; I’d ask if they’d want to join me watching.

Did you see how I created boundaries that defined my identity?

We all have identities. Some we need to work at maintaining. Others, it’s unconscious.

Sometimes, we choose our identity. Re: Lakers. Sometimes, an identity is created for us. If my wife became pregnant, like it or not, I’m identified as a dad in t-minus 250 days. You better believe boundaries will naturally be created as this identity is not going anywhere.

I could easily have left you a quick list of advice on “how-to” create a boundary, but boundaries will have much more meaning and purpose when you find out your “why’s,” “how’s,” and “blindspots” in you realizing your true identity.

1) Competing Identities (your what)

2) Competing Narratives (your how)

3) Competing Schemas (your blindspots)

If these core components are off, you’ll always experience a state of stuckness when it comes to boundaries.

1. COMPETING IDENTITIES (YOUR WHAT)

Evolutionary psychologist, Robin Dunbar, suggests humans only have the capacity to intimately connect with five people. The more people in your circle, the less able you are to emotionally invest in any one person. Our identity works the same way. As we spread our identities and value thin, the less able you can know what you value.

These days, everything is competing to claim your identity. Everything wants your time, energy, finances, emotions. With that, understanding your identity—who you are and what you value—has never been so complicated. That’s because our perception of identity has never been so existentially fluid. It’s common to identify as one thing today, feel a little different, then have a different identity tomorrow. Thus, boundaries have never been as flexible.

If you were to divvy up a pie chart of your energy, you’d find parts of yourself invested in 100 different slices.

· You could add a new friend group and attend a new religious group each month.

· You have 100 podcasts, TV shows, YouTube channels, and social media influencers to keep up with.

· You might have 3 types of revenue streams while raising kids, yet still not identify with either of those as your true occupation.

· You might be a gym rat, a foodie, a Game of Thrones fan, an ENFP, a vegan, a coffee lover, a step-mother, a (large-sized) dog-person, etc. Even these have nuances.

Now, I’m not at all knocking human evolution. But can you see why it’s harder than ever to know who you are? To know what you value? To embody an identity? To set healthy boundaries?

So you want a jumpstart to finding your identity?

Ask yourself, “What are my values?” And then, “What’s a primary value?”

Perhaps it’s one of these: Health, Wealth, Traveling, Social Cause, Job, Relationship, Sobriety, Family, Love, Children, Philosophy, Religion, etc.

Because countless people have a primary value, let’s say, “A Relationship,” yet when it’s not working, they never consider counseling. Or if they’re single, they’ve rarely put themselves out there to be in a relationship. Or someone might value, “Family,” yet because of a 50-hour work week, they don’t have enough time to see their family. Here, boundaries never have a chance to healthily manifest because their primary value actually isn’t what they’re saying, and if it is, they’re not identifying the narrative for that value correctly. This leads to the second part.

2. COMPETING NARRATIVES (YOUR HOW)

When you’ve found your “what”—and this can change over time—now you’ve got another dilemma. What does it look like to embody your value? Because if we haven’t envisioned what this looks like, boundaries will be futile.

So just like I asked you to come up with your “what,” it’s now time to brainstorm your, “how.”

So let’s say I value, “traveling.” That’s my what. I set the following boundaries:

Financial boundaries: I downsize my apartment and pack a lunch every day to save money.
Vocational boundaries: I switch jobs to allow for some remote work to be done.
Emotional boundaries: I advocate for myself with my parents, who continually disapprove of a “wayfaring” and “irresponsible” lifestyle.

These are big boundaries! Life changes have occurred. This is HUGE movement! With each boundary set, can you see how I’m embodying my identity? With each new fiber identity built, can you see how setting boundaries becomes easier?

But what if my how’s weren’t in place? It’s easy to know something we value, yet do it the complete wrong way. We can go through huge steps of clearing resources of time, energy, and finances, and we’ll still find something off.

The step of “how” you do something is a relationship with yourself. It takes research, as well as trial and error. Going back to traveling, you could be taking vacations for 10 years, and realizing something is off. Perhaps instead of checking all these places off your list, your unidentified “how” was experiencing novel experiences/risk taking. Perhaps you never fully capitalized on the novel experiences/risk taking in your city…or in your relationship…or in your work life.

The “how” is just as prevalent as the “what.” I’ll give a few examples, in which not identifying and executing a “how” can have us going through the motions, making boundaries pointless.

Many people value “love,” yet if not choosing “healthy love,” they can spin in toxic relationship after toxic relationship. In the name of love, they have dismissed lying, cheating, and manipulating. They might be constantly desiring love from others, yet never have found it within themselves, thus not embodying the value they believe.
Many people value a certain 'religious or philosophical preference,’ and have been creating and maintaining boundaries around this for decades. Yet without truly exploring their “how” which might look like, “authentically and vulnerably putting my heart out there,” they’re just adhering to rules instead of truly embodying what they believe.

Point being, we can go through the courage of setting well-intended boundaries all day. Maybe we’re really good at that. However, it might be with the wrong posture entirely making the boundaries meaningless.

3. COMPETING SCHEMAS (YOUR BLINDSPOTS)

There’s that word again.

Schemas.

We can have 1) a solid set of values and 2) know how we want to execute it, yet there’s something that will still hold us back from experiencing our true identity and accordingly, from the quality of the boundaries we set.

So say a young woman, Sally, age 30, has been killing it in school and decides to start a small business. To do so, Sally has progressed through cultural and gender narratives. She’s got a handful of employees under her belt, and her how becomes the uncompromised success of her business.

After 5 years of day-in, day-out grinding, Sally is crushing it. She’s cashflow positive. She’s receiving mounds of accolades. She’s hit her milestones. She’s somehow even managed to find the time to date good guys and take trips. Sally has done her best to maintain a balance. She’s a success in the eyes of everyone…except her own.

Deep down, there has always been poking feeling in the pit of her soul that something is a little off. She figured if she worked hard enough and was a success, the gnawing would go away. But it hasn’t.

So what’s going on with Sally?

This is where schemas are interesting. They’re individualized, and almost always emanate from childhood. They’re almost like holes in our soul that we unconsciously find temporary coverings.

So let’s say Sally grew up in a household in which only conditional love was given, namely by her father. As a result, Sally’s set of schemas, or, her lens on life, also becomes a bit robotic as her lens for passionate love is a bit skewed. Here’s how her particular set of (unconscious) schemas manifest and how she copes.

Primary Schemas

Emotional Deprivation - Sally uses an “avoidance” coping for this schema, meaning she has shut off her desires for deep intimacy. She views her emotional needs as weaknesses and has unconsciously selected partners who are detached. She has viewed men who have been emotionally available and who require empathy and nurturance as “weak” and potentially harming to her career.
Unrelenting Standards/Hypercriticalness - Sally uses a “surrender” coping to this schema, ceaselessly driving herself to perfection. She takes pride in that “her harshest critic is herself,” and while this has taken her far in the business world, she has also mentally beat herself up. She thought that at a certain amount of success this voice would shut off, but it is still there.
Defectiveness/Shame - Sally uses another “avoidance” coping, and has learned to not share deep, intimate feelings with her partners. In fact, she’s unsure if they’re valid at all. She avoids being vulnerable and letting others get close; there’s a pattern that when she becomes too emotional, her demands at work also pick up.

Secondary Schemas

Approval Seeking - “overcompensates” by pretending that she doesn’t want any accolades, though she is always searching for her father’s.
Self-Sacrifice - “surrenders” by giving her all and asking nothing in return, both in work and relationships.
Emotional Inhibition - “avoids” by avoiding situations in which feelings need to be discussed, be that of her partners or employees.

So here’s a smattering of Sally’s schemas.

Every person operates under the lens of his or her schemas. Now, Sally’s schemas have helped her become more successful than she ever thought possible; she has used the fuel from her father’s lack of unconditional love. However, Sally’s while has reasoned that her success in business has taken her energy from experiencing true love, she is both correct and incorrect. Yes, that’s true. But she has also unconsciously set boundaries prohibiting her from taking the time to really sort out what she wants in a partner. She has experienced iterations of platonic love, dating high quality men who are also pursuing their businesses, but are emotionally disengaged.

Here’s the takeaway: as Sally seeks to heal her schemas and find her true identity, you know what’s interesting? It’s quite likely that her what’s and how’s change. As in, to make her feel more whole, her core values and how she defines those values will shift. Naturally, she’ll set boundaries that align with those two.

How your identity and boundaries interact is a a lifelong skill. Knowing yourself as well as your tendencies (and blindspots) is a lifelong relationship.

BoundariesDan LoneyMay 19, 2019