How to Set Healthy Boundaries

Part I (Awareness)

Isn’t, “boundaries,” is a weird word?

We associate boundaries with large walls that divide your territory. Boundaries are used to prevent enemy invasion and potential war. Therefore, placing a boundary on a person can feel like you’re saying, “Hey, we’re not at peace right now.” Who wants to hear that?

When it comes to boundaries, here’s a corollary. When asking a couple what they want to achieve in therapy, you know what the #1 answer is? Communication. It’s often said, “This person never communicates to me.” But here’s the thing. We’re always communicating. Always.

The text you don’t send; the eye contact you’ve chosen to avoid; the time you choose to not express your thoughts. That’s all a message that you’re communicating to someone else.

Communication works the same as boundaries. When someone says, “I have no boundaries,” it’s not true. They may just have really open boundaries. Now, those boundaries may not be clear or healthy, but the reality is that we’re actually always setting boundaries.

Formally stated or not, boundaries are one of the most common issues to come up in the therapy room. These boundaries issues are between them and a spouse, family, children, friends, or even themselves. (Yes, sometimes when we cannot rely on ourselves, we must enforce boundaries).

You could watch a conversation on mute and know exactly which boundaried dynamics are taking place.

When we think of setting a boundary, we often think in terms of verbal declarations, but boundaries aren’t just verbal. They’re non-verbal. They’re in the form of actions and inactions. In any conversation, dozens of minute boundaries are displayed. You could watch a conversation on mute and know exactly which boundaried dynamics are taking place.

For example, is a head nodding or still? Are hands gestures drawing someone in or pushing them away? Is touch being given or is there distance? Are people speaking at each other or with each other? Are the shoulders of a body open or turned away? Is someone smiling or stone-faced? Is there eye contact or is someone looking away…perhaps even at their phone at their phone? I write this post to help expand your view of boundaries. To give a little more insight. To be able to understand, first, what you want your boundaries to be. Because you can only begin to understand another’s boundaries as well as you know your own.

You’ve got more power than you think when it comes to the world of boundaries. Having more control over the topic of boundaries will remove the guesswork and frustration from all your relationships. With that, I want to make a list of four common boundary stuck-states that I commonly hear, and what to do about them. When you’re not aware of these, it’ll create unhealthy feedback loops.

Unhealthy Feedback Loop #1: “What if I don’t have or have never put up a boundary?”

You do have boundaries. You might not be aware of them. But if your boundaries are too open, trying setting boundaries with smaller steps.

Example:

Do you feel uncomfortable leaving a gathering before everyone else even though you may need to get up early? Ten minutes before you’d normally leave, simply tell the group (or group leader) you’ve got to take off. You don’t even have to give a reason.
Do you automatically say “yes” when others ask you to do something? You don’t have to put up a flat out, “No,” but next time someone asks you to do something, you can always say, “Hey, would you mind if I got back to you on that?” Then take time for yourself to decide if that’s something that will work for you.

Unhealthy Feedback Loop #2: “What if I set a boundary and it hurts (jeopardizes) the relationship?”

It’s a good question. There’s a gigantic difference of operating in a healthy manner vs. what’s comfortable. And there is a reality I won’t sugar-coat: most of the time when you set a boundary it will change the nature of your relationship. But hopefully, it’ll change it to a healthier nature.

Example:

If a friend or family member automatically assumes you can drop everything at a moment’s notice to hang out with them at the time and place of their choosing, it might come as a shock if you come up with a compromise. So let’s say you come up with a location that’s a midpoint and a time that also works with your schedule—it might get awkward. You might get push-back. Heck, you might even be criticized or ignored. That’s expected; you’re changing your relational pattern.

Unhealthy Feedback Loop #3: “What do I do if I feel guilty after setting a boundary?”

If you don’t feel guilty after setting a new type of boundary, you’re probably not doing it correctly. Guilt is not necessarily bad. In fact, it can be the sign of a healthy boundary. Accordingly, a feeling isn’t necessarily good or bad. It’s a data point.

Example:

Just like you can feel great or terrible after eating a slice of cake or doing a hard workout, feelings are just programmed in us based on our past. Instead of calibrating your actions towards your emotions—which, trust me, we all do it—if you focus on your actions towards health first, your emotions will follow. With enough repetition of setting clear, fair, and healthy boundaries, your brain will actually say, “HECK YES, I AM PROUD OF YOU!” regardless of what happens next.

Unhealthy Feedback Loop #4: “I stated my boundary. They are walking all over it. I’m stuck. What do I do?!”

Great work! You stated a boundary! Now, the not so fun part.

So at least on a mental and emotional level, you’re okay with the first three feedback loops. But now your healthy boundary is ignored. Setting a boundary is only half the equation. What’s the second half? It’s only when you take ACTION—that is, you back up your words.

I’ll reiterate. Your boundary and resulting new identity is only experienced when your actions match your words. Otherwise, you won’t be taken seriously. It doesn’t have to be aggressive either.

Example:

If you have a problem with alcohol and tell Jim to stop inviting you to bars, yet he continues to invite you, what do you do? 1) Obviously, don’t go to the bar, but 2) You must set a stronger boundary. Obviously, your boundary is not getting through to Jim. “Jim, I value our friendship and my sobriety. This is serious. As my friend, I need to know you’re looking out for my best interest.”
- If Jim continues to invite you to bars, for both your sakes, you must reassess for yourself what a friendship looks like. Jim is demonstrating his boundary: he doesn’t value your sobriety, life, and friendship. You’re under no obligation to respond until he demonstrates—with actions, not words—that he’s a capable friend. That’s a boundary.

When you put up healthy boundaries, you can actually flow. Taking action on your boundaries will actually help you recognize the boundaries of others, and operate accordingly. It actually helps both parties.

Disclaimer: this is NOT to use your skill of boundaries as a weapon. Every time you feel disrespected or unloved, this is not your cue to say, “Respect and love me or else…” That’s not a healthy boundary; that’s an unhealthy threat.

Just like it’s hard for you to healthily change (and set healthy boundaries), you also have to consider it’s just as hard for others to healthily change (and respect healthy boundaries). However, if there is an unwillingness on their end, you’ve got to begin to consider the nature of your identity.

This brings me to my last point. Your boundaries are synonymous with how well you believe and embody your identity. They’re one in the same. The more you embody your true self, the more of a flow state you’ll be you’re your identity. Boundaries will become effortless as they’re an extension of you. Each boundary issue you encounter will then become a greater opportunity to actualize your true identity.

I go into how Healthy Boundaries = a Healthy Identity in the next blog.

For 4 years, I’ve taught group process classes on boundaries from the book, Boundaries, by John Townsend and Henry Cloud.

How to Set Healthy Boundaries – Part 1 (Awareness)