Reverse Engineer Your Life

heal stuck points

When working with schemas, which are the unhealthy + unconscious lenses we wear on the world, we reverse engineer reality.

What does that mean?

I work with my clients on first assessing what their worldview is—which, once again is unconscious—then seeing how the belief was developed. You know the problem though? We actually have a hard time understanding what our worldview is. But once identified and analyzed, we see what’s not working, what we’ve previously tried and are currently trying to fix things, and then bring in reality.

At this point, we work on small steps to change that belief system. It’s basically recalibrating an identity. With this blog, I want to empower you that change is possible. Especially if you’re not sure what that looks like.

I’ll give an example from my own life.

I’m a mixed race. I’m equal parts East and West. I never deemed this as a problem. I embraced it. I saw it advantageous. Because of my ambiguous facial features and open-minded worldview, I can seamlessly fit into any people group. However, there was also this unconscious belief that I never actually accepted until I took a deeper look into schemas…that no matter how hard I tried to integrate, I never actually felt like I truly fit in anywhere.

And according to a Social Isolation/Alienation schema,

Have you ever had that moment where you begin to reevaluate your entire life?

Yeah, that was me. I realized that, just in small parts, I never felt truly accepted. I felt I always had to work in groups to fit in. To explain myself. To adapt to make sure I wasn’t offending others. Then, every so often, when I’d voice my true opinion, it wasn’t really received. In part this was because I had adapted so much it’d catch others off-guard.

By no fault of my own—or even my parents—I had unconsciously developed a “social isolation” schema. This means that I intrinsically felt different from others. And what coping did I partake? I toggled between an “overcompensation” and “avoidance” copings—mainly overcompensation though. How did this manifest?

You know how for most people’s birthdays you can basically identify where the majority of the group came from? I was a part of dozens of different friend groups and social circles; there was no common theme.

Now, for some of those who are reading, you might think this is pretty cool. And I actually thought so too. I didn’t think it was an issue. I had close friends. But at the same time, here’s the issue: I would compromise my truest identity to fit in with the group. Essentially, I lost parts of myself.

So for this particular schema, what was the solution? How could I heal this schema?

The first thing about a schema is that you are either healing or perpetuating the schema. It’s one or the other. It’s that simple. So in my case, if I was chameleoning, I was perpetuating the schema. Therefore, I had to decide, “Do I really want to go to this group? Do I truly feel accepted for who I am in this group? Is it healthy for me to be a part of this group?”

As a result, I had to begin to—one at a time—leave particular groups and at the very least see if they 1) noticed and 2) reached out to me.

Then the next step was not being a chameleon. This meant, if necessary, putting myself out there at the risk of not fitting in. I want to say, even years after recognizing this schema, it’s still not easy. Even something like putting my face on my website, which, by the way, is probably one of the most stress-inducing experiences of my life, was pivotal for my career growth. Any time you heal a schema, you’re not going to go with what is comfortable but what is healthy. I am a different type of therapist. Therefore, I needed to represent myself in a way that is authentic to me.

In a nutshell, this is what we do with schemas.

We take a look at pervasive worldviews that are affecting you. We see where the worldview came from. Then we work on making small tweaks to clear the windshield. We reverse engineer stuck points of life. In time, you’ll just feel less chronic anxiety and be able to manage things seamlessly. This is a lifetime practice.

So if you’re wondering what flavor of schema you might have, see if you answer “yes” to any of the following Q’s. There are a totally of 18 schemas but this will give a little taste of potential stuck points:

Are you afraid of showing people who you really are because you think they might reject you?
Do you put the needs of others above your own, so your own needs are never met? Do you not even realize that you have needs?
Do you start to panic that people you love will leave you? Do you not prevent yourself from experiencing intimate relationships because of this?
Do you feel inadequate compared to people around you? Do you constantly feel that you’ll fail or not put yourself in positions to succeed?
Do you find that no matter how successful you are, you still feel unhappy, unfulfilled, or undeserving?
Do you sacrifice relaxation and fun because you're always trying to do your best?

If you’re interested in learning more about Schemas and Life Traps, check out the book Reinventing Your Life by Jeffrey Young and Janet Klosko.

Reverse Engineer Your Life