3 Emotional Barriers That Prevent Success
3 Emotional Barriers that Prevent Your Success
And what to do about them
First, if you’re unfamiliar how to set a proper goal, use SMART goals.
With that, after working with clients’ goals over the years, I’ve found 3 Emotional Barriers—the Streaky Start, the Middle Monotony, and the Lasting Lifestyle—that prevent them from success. These are all unconscious. When you become aware of these 3 Emotional Barriers and prepare accordingly, you’ll have a much better shot of success.
I’m going to make this short and sweet.
Emotional Barrier #1: The Streaky Start – Physical
Even if you set up a proper SMART goal, there is a certain preparation you must make within your body and environment before you create a lifestyle change. Otherwise, you’re setting yourself up for failure.
For example, if you’re planning on dropping a certain amount of weight, it’s not just exercise and diet. You must prepare your body and environment. Many start a goal of exercising then they pull a hamstring because it’s been years since they’ve put their body through that rigor. Or they haven’t taken into account the amount of extra dirty laundry and now they have to allocate more time for washing and more dollars for workout clothes. Or maybe their old shoes weren’t conducive to running in the first place and now they’ve rolled an ankle.
Not only do these setbacks take months to fully recover, but it takes a huge emotional toll.
Can you see how not adequately preparing a body and your environment would eventually wear on you emotionally?
Emotional Barrier #2: The Middle Monotony – Mental
Say you’ve done the work and you’ve gotten past the first couple weeks of routines with your goal. You’re noticing improvement. Some of your actions are on auto-pilot. You’ve might be getting a little lazy with the routines. The thought creeps in your head, “I’ve got this, no biggie.”
I call this the feeling of bored-cockiness. BE ON ALERT. This is your most vulnerable moment. This is the make-or-break success-and-failure point of your lifestyle change.
Trust me. I have worked with countless people on changes, from those who are addicted to heroin to those who want to make new friends. It doesn’t matter the size of the goal. Usually at about the 4-6 week mark, this is the most pivotal moment.
You know this moment, right?
This is the moment you decide that you’ll take the day off from working on your novel because it’s a nice day out and you’ll get to it tomorrow. This is the moment that you take a 5-minute smoke break at work because it was extra stressful. This is the moment I get the text that a client no longer needs therapy. This is pivotal. Because in that moment of weakness, stress, and boredom—heck, even cockiness—can you get yourself to continue on the routine? You see. Your brain always wants to be comfortable and it will create tricks for you to revert back to your former level of operation.
STAY HUMBLE. If you’ve had success with something, stick with it. Just because you notice you’re not trying as hard to fight it doesn’t mean there isn’t still a fight to be had. Every person who has worked through an addiction knows it’s when their defenses are lowered that they are most susceptible towards reverting to old habits.
Can you see how succumbing to the old way of operation would eventually wear on you emotionally?
Emotional Barrier #3: The Lasting Lifestyle – Social
You know why this last one is the hardest?
There is an assumption that the people around you want you to be the best version of yourself. I hate to say it, but most people aren’t that interested in your success. Most people don’t want to make it easy for you to do what’s best for you.
You want to know why? And it’s not that they’re actively trying to sabotage you—it’s that they can’t see another way.
In fact, if these people are close to you, usually the reason you have become the way you are is because of them. I’m not placing blame. It’s just reality. To those close to you, you pushing into a new lifestyle, meaning that you’re taking on a new identity, might feel like an indictment against their character.
Let me give some examples.
If you have codependent tendencies, meaning that parts of your worth feel dictated by those around you, when you display healthier thinking, you might begin to offend others. So let’s say that as you learn to develop expressing your emotions and thoughts, if others have used you to validate their worth, others might begin to judge you. They might call you ‘judgmental’ or ‘rude’ or say you have a ‘bad attitude.’ Even if your depression and anxiety has decreased, they might say they preferred the old version of you.
Why? That unhealthy, codependent version of yourself affirmed their identity. Again, most people cannot see that even in their good intentions, they were detrimentally affecting you. I also want to throw one more thing out there with this. Sometimes, others don’t have good intentions. Out of jealousy and envy, they will attempt to sabotage your progress without any regard for how that will impact you.
Whenever we go through a healthy change, how it will be received depends on how secure others are. I just want to be real with you. And how does will this affect you? Well, did you know that social acceptance is the primary influencer of change? It’s because our brains are hardwired to be comfortable; being accepted, esteemed, and loved are how we find comfort.
Our social circles create are greatest emotional charge. Being wired for validation, how others perceive us subconsciously dictates our actions and inactions. I don’t care how strong-willed you are. There’s a gigantic difference of swimming with the current and working against a riptide. Further, when it’s your social circle, you might experience a riptide each day.
Can you see how your social influence would eventually wear on you emotionally?
Here’s how to work with each Emotional Barrier.
1) Emotional Barrier #1: The Streaky Start – Physical
Pre-plan. Map things out. Adequately prepare your body and environment. See what your body would need to survive. See what you’d need to change in your house, work, and car to make the new life changes with the least amount of friction.
Want to write a book? Create an outline. Do a brainstorm. Clear a writing space. Clear mental space. Hydrate well. Get good sleep. Find your writing Spotify soundtrack.
2) Emotional Barrier #2: The Middle Monotony – Mental
Know that it’s coming. It happens to every person. Know this is humility time, not cockiness time. Stay the course. Add some variety into routines to prevent boredom. Build in cheat hours or a cheat day; don’t take them randomly. If you need a break, plan it. This is not your time to slow down. Stay with what has given you success. Usually after someone has worked through the week of Middle Monotony, he or she will notice a huge uptick in energy. This means that the habits are genuinely solidifying.
3) Emotional Barrier #3: The Lasting Lifestyle – Social
Set small boundaries with those who are negatively impacting healthy lifestyle changes. Involve yourself with people who have similar values towards your new identity. If you’re really stuck, find a mentor. Always align yourself with those who have gone before you.
When you find success, don’t flaunt it with superiority. RESPECT that others have different ways of living. Invite naysayers on your journey, but don’t expect them to follow. Tell them ways you’d appreciate support. Finally, be prepared in case you need to make room for a different social circle.