Social Media & Relationships

Perspective, Effects, and Alternatives

In this blog, I’m going to give you some perspective on how social media is subtly changing us individually and relationally, as well as a few healthy steps to take in these changing times.

First, for some perspective.

Did you know that with each notification ping, flash, and buzz, the feel-good chemical of dopamine is released in your brain? Dopamine is a reward signaling that we’ve accomplished something. It helps us relax. It’s why social media is addictive; we are not accomplishing anything and receiving the good effects of it. This isn’t by accident—each part of social media has been programmed to make you stick around.

Think about YouTube, Facebook, and Instagram—heck, even dating apps—for starters. Have you ever considered that swiping the screen to produce a spinwheel is eerily similar to the function of a slot machine? You swipe and feel uncertain yet hopeful of a result, and a novel set of value magically appears!

Okay, perhaps I’m not pointing out anything revolutionary.

Perhaps you’re like me. You already know social media is unhealthy. You’ve felt its negative effects. You even tell people you’re done with it. You figure out the Rubix cube of how to deactivate your social media account. But what happens?

Someone shows you pictures of people laughing. You missed out on a birthday. You wonder if you are missing out on life. FOMO sets in. You feel empty. You need a turbo-boost of potential Worthiness. Like a functional alcoholic, you tell yourself you can handle social media in moderation. And what happens?

You cave in and reactivate.

Social media no longer documents culture. Social media defines culture. You know that age old question, “If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?” What’s our 21st century reality? “If you have a real-life experience and no one digitally validates it, did you really experience it?”

| Camping used to be about detaching from technology and connecting with nature. Now you’ve got to prove to others how deeply you’re connecting with nature.

| Vacations used to be about relaxing, sightseeing, and enjoying new cultures. Now you’ve got to prove to others how much you are relaxing, sightseeing, and enjoying new cultures.

| Cooking good food and working out used to be about being a healthy person. Now you’ve got to prove to others how healthy you really are.

24/7, in-real-time, posts appear on your screen to validate acquaintances in the areas of attractiveness, fame, money, and status. You’re rewarded in its algorithm the more you post; you’re penalized if you don’t.

Now, have you ever thought how social media affects your relationships?

Let’s say you go on a date. Did you know that at the end of a date, a posted picture can receive more love—100 Likes + 25 “Aw, Cute,” Comments—than from the date itself? Let me restate that: you can literally acquire more love from your followers than the person with whom you’re swapping saliva. In fact, you can post a picture of your dinner and receive more of a dopamine hit than the date itself. Think about that.

The requirements for a relationship have drastically changed.

Social media is changing what we value in relationships. What did people value back in the day? It was more like, “I want to find a partner who would make a good husband or a good wife; a good mother or father to my future kids.” If people are honest with themselves, what’s a closer reality? More people are looking for a good-looking companion to travel or eat with. Why is this?

Our perception of who we are—our perceived identities—has (d)evolved. Thus, our values have changed. Instead of the survival of genes, it’s more the survival of our desired digital selves.

One of the most common relational questions is how to handle social media in relationships. We all know a relationship or three that has been subject to infidelity starting with social media, right? Back in the day, infidelity happened with a neighbor, or perhaps a coworker. But now? Each picture you post is a potential connection for hundreds of potential partners to stare at you and reach out in some way. Everyone has fantasized about someone they personally know on social media. Heck, if you want you can even stalk and message your favorite celebrity crush.

With all this, let’s get in what to do about social media.

“I felt so much better after I browsed through social media.” - said no person ever.

Personally, I think Cal Newport offers a lot of wisdom on the topic. Newport, author of, “Digital Minimalism: Choosing a Focused Life in a Noisy World,” has a TedTalk with 6MM+ views. Newport notes we should be realistic with the perceived benefit of social media. If you think social media might be a problem in your life, per Newport’s suggestions, might I offer a starting point?

Try this exercise: do a simple PROS/CONS list of social media. Be thorough. I did one in 10 minutes (pictured below). Then, for each perceived benefit (PRO) ask yourself, “Is this a good thing? Is this the most effective way for me to do this? What could be a more effective way?”

When it comes to, “connecting to friends and family,” is social media helping or hurting me connect? How many meaningful and intimate connections am I making to loved ones on social media? Could I be making more intentional, meaningful efforts via phone or in-person meetups?
With “more invites,” do I actually want to receive MORE invites? Or perhaps it’d be a good litmus test to only open myself up to invites from really close friends and family—I have a hard enough time saying no anyway.
Or with, “helps promote business opportunities,” this might be 100% true, however, have I exhausted all other methods of finding business leads? Maybe it’d be more effective to keep social media, but turn my personal accounts into business accounts?

You get how this works?

Next, take a good look at your CONS. How much do your CONS outweigh the PROS? If it’s a 3-to-1 ratio, that might not be a good thing, especially depending on the severity of the CONS.

If I’m having trouble getting enough sleep, how much are my relationships suffering? My business? Like a sugar addict who can’t even taste the sugar rush from soda anymore, is social media making me desensitized to reacting in real time? Am I losing my empathy and care with loved ones because I can only react when something is sensationalized or because I’m waiting on some sort of dopamine reward for my minimal efforts?

All I’m saying is if you’re to experience sustainable and happy relationships, it’s important to take a deeper look. If you’re spending time doing any activity, take a look at how it is affecting you and your relationships. Social media is a direct culprit for ADHD/Anxiety/Depression. If you need help working through managing social media addiction, feel free to reach out.

Social Media and Relationships