Take the Confusion Out of Relationships
Take the Confusion Out of Relationships
“Yes, we should definitely hang out some time.”
How many times have you heard this? You run into someone, exchange pleasantries, yet there was no action to hang out? The boundary is simple. Why? No action taken means no hang out. No one feels bad. Heck, you may run into the same person again a week later and exchange the same words or you may never see them again.
It doesn’t matter.
Sometimes this boundary isn’t that simple though. Sometimes relationships make things more complicated. Sometimes you’re really not sure of someone’s intentions.
We live in the age of poor values, capricious words, and large egos. People aren’t as sure as to what they stand for, therefore, there’s a big-fat question mark resting between their words and actions. You know what that question mark represents?
INTENTIONS.
Most of the time, these intentions are good as well. However, how many times have you become harmed by someone’s “good” intentions? People do weird things with intentions, right? People operate by guilt; people operate by not wanting others to feel bad; people operate by wanting to make it seem that they’re a good human being. However, this does no service for the other person.
So the big question is “In this crazy age, how do I discern relationships when relationships are confusing?” That is the right question, and the answer is simple too: listen less to words, watch more with actions.
| If you have a friend who says he’ll help you move, and he bails last moment without a great excuse, this will tell you the quality of the friendship.
| If your boss keeps telling you that you are management material and there’s no plan in place for promotion, this will tell you about your future with that company.
| If you set up a date and she cancels a few hours beforehand and doesn’t propose a new date time, this will tell you how much she values you.
| If you are married and your spouse continually apologizes and makes promises of better behavior without an action to change, this will tell you how much they want to change.
I’m not denying the person’s intentions. I’m not saying there will never be a change of heart. I’m not saying you are powerless either. All I’m saying is you need to understand that a person’s actions are their current boundaries.
Think about it this way. Have you ever been in a relationship with someone FOR YEARS that followed the same pattern of good intentions with words and poor follow through with actions?
Sure, there could have been some consolation actions, but for the most part, the same patterns were always there. Consolation actions might look like this:
Your boss reluctantly gives you that partial raise without the job title change.
The person you’re dating goes on a pity date with you, but doesn’t want to have a relational title.
Your spouse give you birthday sex, but still denies your day-to-day bids for intimacy.
While there are actions, do you notice what’s missing? Commitment. Consolations actions may feel good in the moment, but don’t you notice you’re still left with the same empty feeling?
Unless there is a major event or consistent effort, people rarely deviate from their track record. I mean, all you have to do is look at your own life to realize how hard changes can be when you are actively working on them, right?
I want to clarify: this post is not meant to disempower you. It is to do the opposite.
If you want to get out of stuck states, you’ll have to be empowered to take different forms of action. You also can’t get out of a stuck state unless you’re aware of what’s going on.
So first, trust actions. This is easier and harder than it seems, but will give you a clear picture of reality.
If a friend is saying you’re not being a good friend, really consider who is making the vulnerable actions in the friendship. Who is driving to the other’s house? Who is compromising where they should eat? Who is giving the birthday gifts? Who is listening to the other?
This is your litmus test.
If your spouse is saying you’re not being vulnerable and caring enough, take a look at actions: who is proposing date ideas? Bids for sex? Taking care of the other’s housework? Changing parts of their lives? Initiating the hard talks?
This is your litmus test.
This is not meant to be a relational ledger or scoreboard; we’re just trying to see what reality is and it may be eye-opening…when you take a look at actions, it’s possible you may be the one who needs to make adjustments.
Second, call out actions. Once again, this is easier and harder than it seems, but it will give you a clearer picture of intentions. I’ll give you a warning of what will happen.
When you note a person’s actions, a common response will be defensiveness, deflection, denial, promises, or even a rebuttal. Expect it, but think about things this way.
Imagine as a guy you have asked someone out in a few different ways and each time, they’ve given reasons why they can’t do it. What is their action telling you? This is where people get tripped up: if she wanted to go on a date with you, it would not be so hard! Imagine if you were Brad Pitt—is she making an excuse or is she shifting heaven and Earth to make it happen?! NO WAY! If she can’t attend on a Tuesday night, you can bet she is proposing Weds, Thurs, Fri, and Sat night as other options.
Actions always follow intentions.
The same goes for the boss who wants to recognize your hard work. If you are being paid under market value and doing amazing work, do you think a competent boss would let their employee go to a competitor? They’d have to hire and train another person…it’s a dumb move.
Actions always follow intentions.
Third, understand your worth. This will allow you to make hard decisions.
I bring up these examples to empower you.
Ask for fair market value with a deadline and see how your boss responds; now YOUR ACTIONS, not words, show where you stand. Propose a date with your potential someone and if they have an excuses just say, “Well if you’re up for something, let me know,” and you’ve now stated your intention with YOUR ACTIONS. If your special someone keeps promising you they’ll be better, state the way they need to become better and what will happen if another incident occurs; that’s YOUR ACTION. If your friend keeps asking you to make a sacrifice, go ahead and ask them to make one (i.e. watching the movie you want to watch; driving to your neck of the woods; eating where you want, etc.) and see what happens; this is YOUR ACTION.
You are not a victim in an impossible cycle of circumstances. You always can make choices. If you feel you’re stuck and need help with choices, read this.