Dating: Values vs. Preferences
Dating:
Values vs. Preferences
Relationships are difficult, especially in today’s age.
Dating is more complicated than ever.
Back in the day, you’d find your person from your town in your early 20s and settle down. But how about now? Dozens of dates. Ghosting. A slow-fade out. Move to something more exciting.
Then maybe late 20s to early 30s, options may decrease and people half-settle down. I say half-settle because there still may be back-up plans. Wandering eyes don’t just exist in real life; they exist every moment on social media. Social media makes everyone feel like their current situation is trash, but I digress.
Relational roles are also more complex than ever. You’ve got friends with benefits, open relationships, growing sexual parameters, divorces and separations, step-children, single-parent households, and mixed-everything families.
Previously, you might identify a few things you liked about a partner. They’d serve a certain role in your life, and you’d find friends and a community to fill in other roles. But now, as we’re expanding our horizons, there’s an underlying (and unfair) hope that our partner will satiate all our wishes we never knew we had.
Dating has gotten complex to say the least. And while there’s never a simple solution to complex issues, I’ll propose a starting place: I’d like to clarify Values vs. Preferences. Especially in Western society, it’s culturally validated to treat dates, relationships, and marriages according to desired preferences as opposed to inherent values.
Value (n): the regard that something is held to deserve; the importance, worth, or usefulness of something.
Preference (n): a greater liking for one alternative over another or others.
This trend of basing life according to preferences is only increasing. That’s where naming values will come into play. However, most people have a tough time naming 3 concrete values for themselves. How can you find what you’re not even looking for?
A common saying is, ‘I date in order to find what I like and what I don’t like.’ However, as people begin to take in random preferences, there’s going to be a lack of intentionality and investment.
Here’s are examples of how values have slowly morphed into cultural preferences:
Instead of truly valuing a solid work ethic, we prefer that a person makes a higher income than others.
Instead of truly valuing passion, we prefer that a person who takes trips and vacations.
Instead of truly valuing exploration, we prefer a person watches the same Netflix shows as us.
Instead of truly valuing loyalty, we prefer that a person has a reputable profile on social media.
Instead of truly valuing consistency, we prefer that they give us attention when we need it.
Instead of truly valuing health and wellness, we prefer that the person photographs well.
Instead of truly valuing honesty, we prefer that a person makes us feel comfortable.
When we treat someone according to current preferences, we’re objectifying them. We’re not connecting to their soul and spirit. We’re basing their worth on results.
Often, I work with clients who are in relationships in which they’ve known from the beginning that they had incompatible values, yet it was never addressed. Why? The relationship was comfortable enough. They didn’t want to rock the boat. There were enough compatible preferences to keep them afloat. But the absence of war is not peace; there was always a tacit tension.
Therefore, begin asking yourself what you value. Finding your value set is not a simple exercise. Then start asking either your partner about his or her values and if you don’t have one, think of what you’d like in a future partner. Your value sets don’t have to be set in stone, but you need to start somewhere. It will really simplify how you view things.
Mid-blog Pro-Tip: If you’re unsure about what either you or your partner value, don’t follow words. Follow actions. For example, it’s quite common for people to say they value consistency, but their actions demonstrate that the only thing that they’re consistent with is inconsistency.
Also, please don’t hear what I’m not saying: you don’t have to share all the same values as your partner. Of course not. Of course you’ll need to make compromises. All I’m saying is that when values are swept under the rug for the sake of preferences, you’re welcoming chaos. You can stave it off for a while, but it’ll come.
As you begin asking yourself about what you value, there may be confusion as to what a value is. I’m going to give you a way of finding what some healthy and unhealthy value mindsets would be. Let’s start with the unhealthy.
1 Unhealthy Value Tip: Don’t Rely on Your Feelings.
I know, I already offended people with that statement. I’m good at that. But hear me out. Here are examples of where relying on your feelings may get problematic: “I want someone who makes me feel secure;” “I want someone who makes me feel confident;” “I want someone who makes me feel alive;” “I want someone who makes me feel loved.”
First, I get the sentiment behind each statement. However, when the other person is responsible for how you feel, you’re also going to blame them when you don’t feel that way. At the end of the day, you are primarily responsible for how you feel. Not to mention, relying on your feelings to guide your values could be unhealthy.
Let’s say that someone is inconsistent. They’re entertaining multiple people and will leave you if they feel like it. If you have an Abandonment Schema, that might make you feel alive. You might be on your toes. That will feel comfortable! The more unstable they are, the more secure you feel. In fact, someone who says they’re not going anywhere may feel boring to you.
Or let’s say the person you’re dating praises and lavishes you with love. Perhaps they throw in the occasional gift and note. But what if you have a Defectiveness/Shame Schema? Each good gesture might make you feel more and more unworthy of their love. Because what if they saw you for the real you? So when another person comes around who puts you down and gives you little attention, you might actually feel more known and secure.
See how it’s more important to look towards values than feelings, especially when it comes to schemas? When people get in relationships and say they have “chemistry,” often that means that a maladaptive schema is being activated. There may be a dozen yellow, orange, and red flags waving around, but that information is filtered out.
1 Healthy Value Tip: Be a Time Traveler
When it comes to discerning if someone is embodying values, pretend like they’re transported to any time or country. How would they fare? Because the qualities they currently embody will stick with them. Preferences come and go.
The fact that you guys get along swimmingly while eating Ben and Jerry’s and watching Netflix will do little good if you’re in present day India. If you’re having a good time hanging out, that’s nice. You’re basically equating your special someone to lap dog.
Or what if you value their clothing and hairdo? Perhaps they have a lot of clout on social media? Maybe they’re a good surfer? How well is that going to translate to 18th century Asia? Like what qualities and values are they bringing along with them for survival?
Ask yourself the same thing. What are your values that transcend time? These may come in layers. For example, being good at surfing might not translate to landlocked states, but perhaps patience and tenacity do.
When it comes to dating, I want to clarify that you don’t need to throw out all preferences. No, not at all! You might really only be attracted to blondes and not brunettes; you might prefer someone who is extraverted or who doesn’t smoke; you might really connect with someone who likes the same sports and humor as you. Fantastic! That gets their foot in the door. Just make sure of your priorities and what will be long-lasting.
Lastly, you might find that thinking about your values for another might be a call to action for yourself. If you value someone who takes care of their health and wellness, how are you doing in that department? If you value someone who communicates in a compassionate manner, how is your communication to others and to yourself?
When you begin to better understand what you value, dating will be simplified. Values are indicative of identity, and the stronger your identity and value set, the more naturally you’ll be able to enforce boundaries. You won’t have to go through the motions of months of dating to figure out something you knew long ago; you won’t have to sift through dozens of dates and be more confused than when you first began.