You Have More Options Than You Think
You Have More Options Than You Think
Moving sucks.
You know what’s worse than the physical act moving all your stuff from one apartment to the next?
Wondering about your deposit—you know, that gigantic sum of upfront money you have to shell out before you move in.
A while back, my ex-roommate was responsible for returning my deposit; he had the relationship with the landlord. It was supposed to be simple, but…
I called. Texted. Emailed.
How many vacations could this guy really be on? How many times could a person go out of town? How many final exams did he have to study for? Why was this taking so long? He kept blaming the landlord for being unresponsive, but I my doubts grew. Frustrations mounted.
If you’ve ever had to wait on someone, you know this helpless feeling. A different reality kept coming up: I might not get my deposit back.
Then I was reminded of Harvey Specter, a high profile lawyer from the TV show, Suits.
“What are your choices when someone puts a gun to your head? ... You take the gun, or you pull out a bigger one. Or, you call their bluff.
You do any one of a hundred and forty six other things.” - H.S.
I wasn’t sure exactly how to apply this quote, but I did the next best thing. I used my last life line, my phone a friend: I called a seasoned lawyer.
My lawyer said, and I quote, “Don’t worry. You have a ton of options here. The question is how much pressure do you want to put on him?”
Suddenly, my two options, ‘I either get my deposit or don’t get my deposit,’ vanished.
On the range of low-to-high pressure, I was advised to start low. My lawyer advised me to text my ex-roommate to email the landlord and CC me from the original chain. He said, “While this might not solve things immediately, we’ll have more information.”
Guess what happened?
I never received that email from my ex-roommate. But do you know what I did receive?
There was a Venmo deposit in my name for the full amount. No excuses. No reasons.
And you know how long it took?
4 hours.
You know how long it took me when I was left to my own devices?
Oh gosh, this is embarrassing.
71 excruciating days.
Yes, you read that right. It took my lawyer a few hours to do what I sought to do for two whole months. And his efforts actually worked.
How does this apply to you?
Have you heard of, ‘black-and-white,’ ‘all-or-nothing,’ or ‘always-or-never,’ type thinking?
Of course you have.
Did you know that the more pressure you feel, the more it seems like your options decrease? And when you have those black-and-white options, you’re stressed. Neither will sound appetizing. Actually, they’ll make you want to throw up. They might look something like this:
break up now - or - stay together forever
bring up everything - or - ignore it completely
trust them - or - don’t trust them
be selfless - or - be selfish
go on a crazy diet - or - eat like a pig
apologize - or - be resentful
pursue them - or - never talk again
be cynical - or - be fake
Perhaps you relate?
Once again, when we’re under pressure, it seems like there are only 2 options. You’ll feel stuck. Here, one or more schemas are activating. Blindspots allow us to only consider the extremes. However, reality is always somewhere closer to the middle, and, going back to Harvey Specter, ‘You can do any one of a hundred and forty six other things.’
Really, it’s true.
So, how do you access freedom? How do you get out of that black-and-white mentality?
The first thing to do—and this is much easier said than done—is to stop thinking about the results. And I get it.
You’re freaked out about getting yelled at;
you’re in jeopardy of losing your job;
you at risk of your marriage falling apart;
you don’t want to lose your friend;
you don’t want your family to disown you.
However, when you’re focused on results, you’ve entered in life or death situation. It’s no wonder you’ll feel like a hostage. Even if you make a correct move, you’ll continue to feel at risk of dying.
Going back to my deposit situation, I had so much anxiety over the potential result of ‘not getting my deposit,’ that I felt like I had no options. I was worried about contacting my ex-roommate and I was worried about not contacting him. I was in a no-win. So instead, my lawyer focused on how to operate.
I’ll repeat.
Instead of focusing on what will happen (which is outside of your control), focus on how you want things to happen (which is within your control). Remember when my lawyer went with the low pressure option? He said we might not immediately get the result, but we’d gather more information. When you focus on the process, you’ll acquire more information to allow you to take a healthier step.
Let’s do a tangible example of how you can apply a little pressure.
Let’s say your partner has a sharp tongue and you’re tired of it. You’ve been considering breaking up or staying together. When they criticize you, it’s break up time. When they praise you, it’s stay together time. Back and forth you go on the emotional roller coaster see-saw. You’re the subject of their approval and disapproval. So instead of focusing on what is happening, focus on your approach…the how you want to do something. How do you want to approach them? Here are some options going from low-to-high pressure of saying nothing to MMA fight time.
Disclaimer: I’m not saying any of these will work. They likely won’t. t’ll just be a next step into further actions.
Literally don’t respond to their criticism even in body language (they might realize how silly they sound).
Praise them when you have the chance (they might begin to repeat the example).
Slowly and intentionally reflect their words back to them (they might gain some insight as to how ridiculous that sounds).
Say, “Ouch, that hurts” (they might not realize that their words can actually hurt).
State how it makes you feel when they criticize using an “I statement” (this can help them understand your experience).
Ask, “Instead of voicing a criticism, would you mind saying a positive statement instead?” (“Honey, your words make me feel so unworthy. Instead of telling me how I’m not helping out enough, would you mind telling me what things to help out with?”)
Similar to the above, but more tangible (“Hey, I don’t mind when you’re upset, but remember that time that you gave me a backrub when telling me what you wanted me to do? That helps me know that you’re still connected to me even when you’re upset.”) It’s also harder to be critical when your body language says otherwise.
Use a one-down stance to take some responsibility (“Honey, I’ve been terrible communicating in this busy season. I’m going to work on that. Could you also be more mindful right now as I’m not in the best space?”)
Use humor, not as a means of passive-aggressively deflecting or using unhealthy sarcasm, but as a tool for emotional intelligence (With a smile and touch, “Woah Honey, have I ever told you how much it turns me on when you criticize me?”)
If you’re more on the quiet side, demonstratively imitate exactly what they’re doing without warning (sometimes hearing what you are projecting is the most uncomfortable experience that you’d never want someone to experience that).
Begin to put up some boundaries (“If you want to rephrase the criticism with something constructive, I’m all ears. Otherwise, I’ll step into the other room when you feel like taking things out on me.”).
As you gain information, more boundaries (“Hey Honey, I’ve told you repeatedly I don’t appreciate being treated like a dog and you’ve continued to be abrasive. If you continue to criticize, I’m going to need some space from you.”) And the thing is, when it comes to boundaries, you need to back up your words. You must enforce it. This is the most difficult thing. This does not mean breaking up. Not at all. It’s just what it means, a little space.
And sometimes, you know what’s called for? “Hey, you’re being a jerk. Stop taking your bad day out on me.” (Sometimes you’ve got to stand up for yourself to signal what’s not allowed.)
Okay, maybe you didn’t like some of these. But how you approach is key.
Try new things: Authenticity. Humor. Curiosity. Playfulness. Gentleness. Candor. A loving challenge. Touch. Empathy. Vulnerability. Assertiveness.
My point is you’ve got options. You can play around with things. You don’t have to be idle. In fact, it’s not supposed to work right away. But it’s to prevent being stuck. Gather some information and try something else. Keep in mind, the other person also cannot be held hostage to your new boundaries. Just like you’re creating change, which is difficult, they will also need time and space to make their own changes. It’s not overnight. That’d be unfair. Things cannot go from “unhealthy” to “healthy” in a moment…this process can take months. Sometimes, years. One small breakthrough after the next.
The point is to begin to slowly break out of stuck states. I just want to encourage: you have more options than you think. And with options, comes power. You have more power than you think…even if it feels like a gun is being pointed at your head.