2 Misconceptions of Changing Yourself (and 1 Big Tip)
Change is not about your level of motivation or effort—
I was at the gym today. I was happy. There were half as many people there than in January. That told me 50% had thrown in their New Year’s goal towels.
Everyone wants to change for the better. But let me ask you…
As you have gotten older, have you noticed that it’s harder and takes longer to rewire yourself. There’s a reason.
It’s not just that doing the same things over-and-over form stronger neural-bonds. You might be surprised to know you actually become addicted to your feelings. Whether that’s shame or pride, eroticism or shyness, failure or success. Over time, you might even begin to take on language like, “Oh, that’s just me. That’s just who I am.” We start to believe our identity is a product of what we have experienced.
When first working with a client, I often hear the phrase, “That’s just who I am.” It’s no wonder we get into stuck states.
I bring this up because this phrase signals that we’ve gotten to a root. An impasse. So this brings about the 2 most common misconceptions I hear that will prevent you from changing yourself. They are:
Motivation
Effort
We constantly are trying to find more “motivation.” We’re trying to find ways to conjure up more “effort.” It’s like we just want someone to say the right thing that “clicks” and everything will change. But these misconceptions will lead to short-term correction. To short-term change. Therefore, I’d like to argue that deep within you, you already possess all the motivation and effort necessary for real change. Your problem isn’t your desire or output.
The problem is how you view yourself…your self-concept…your identity.
Because if you are unsure of your identity, you know what will ALWAYS feel off? Your motivation and effort. You’ll always feel like you’re battling yourself. For example, if you’ve been addicted to the feeling of “shame” since you were little—and shame has now become a part of your identity or self-concept—waking up earlier for a workout will feel 10x as difficult. You will constantly feel shame over your “lack of motivation” or “lack of effort.” Your willpower towards change might last a week or two, but it’ll be too much. Because at the end of the day, you’ll come back to the false reality of, “This is just who I am.”
Have you ever wondered why certain parts of your life feel drained? When things aren’t going well, it’s natural to think you just need to jumpstart your level of motivation and effort. But even with your most optimal motivation and effort, you might just feel like a giraffe in a limbo contest.
So the 1) Big Tip towards changing yourself is your identity. And what’s difficult about rewiring your identity is that, for the most part, it’s unconscious. Your identity is where everything flows. Because it’s always much easier thinking, feeling, and doing that of which you believe is true about yourself.
Our belief in who we are dictates what our friendships look like. Whom we find attractive and detestable. What our spiritual life looks like. Our career path. The way we speak and our body language. Even the way we order food, I kid you not.
So, where do you start?
In therapy, I work with clients not what is most comfortable, but what is most healthy. It’s a world of difference. We’ll work through and process how you’ve come to believe your identity is what it is. Once again, for the most part, this will be an unconscious layer. As we get a baseline for who you are, we can then see how you want to view yourself and what is most healthy. Then work on small steps to shift the identity trajectory.
Identity work is not an overnight process. You’ve had hundreds-of-thousands of reps doing, thinking, and feeling a certain way. It takes time to build a new you. Give yourself grace with it. And as you to rewire how you view yourself, I’ll tell you what. You’ll fight yourself less because you’ll now because able to align that motivation and effort towards a congruent view of yourself.
When processing yourself, it really helps to have an objective person, who is on your side. Who gets it. If you’d like any more info on this, let me know.
Also, stay tuned. I’ll continue to post blogs on building your identity.