Unnecessary Tension of the Soul
Unnecessary Tension of the Soul
and how to relieve it.
You might find you exist in this universal tension: ‘what we want’ and ‘what we’re willing to do to get there.’
I want to be in good shape…so we think, how can I get in better shape?
I want more money…how can I get more money?
I want to relax…how can I find more relaxation?
I want a peaceful relationship…how can I find more peace in this relationship?
I want an exciting relationship…how can I find a more exciting relationship?
You get the picture.
Have you ever been caught in this tension of ‘what you want’ and ‘what you’re doing to get there?’
Most of us would call this life. That it’s inevitable. But maybe it’s not.
I want to expand your mind a little. Because I’m also guessing that at some point you’ve experienced that what you want is not what you actually want, right? At some point I’m guessing you’ve pursued a goal for an ungodly number of hours, and, whether it panned out or not, you realized it was pointless. This is also a universal human experience.
Often in therapy, as clients peel back the layers of their soul, they realize they never properly identified their wants. For example, perhaps society, friend group, religious institution, parents or a partner dictated how a relationship should be, and they realize they don’t actually desire that type of relationship. Yet what happened in between?
They were in the ‘what am I willing to do to get there’ and it just never felt right.
We are pre-programmed with what we’re told to want. From the car you drive, to the clothes you wear, to the type of relationships you have. Even in the above examples, perhaps you’ve been told to want a “peaceful relationship” when you’d really prefer a “healthy relationship.” These are different. Healthy relationships can have a lot of friction as both partners express their true selves in a messy way, yet come together in the midst of that accepting and loving each other with much more fervor.
I write this to encourage you to really discern what you want. And when you believe you have that answer, peel back that layer even more. When you ask the tough questions in life, life will become easier and former predicaments may lose their sting.
Maybe that acquaintance, who has always bothered you with their non-approving tone, is actually the person you grow to value the most because you can always count on them to be honest (and honesty is now something you’ve realized you value in relationships). Or it could go the other way. As you have rethought your values and you’ve come to only want relationships that hold commitment, consistency, and loyalty, maybe that attractive, successful, and charismatic ex that you could never get over magically loses his or her allure.
Make sense?