Culturally, anger, more so than any other emotion—such as sadness, disappointment, grumpiness, frustration, regret, guilt, hurt, etc.—is shunned. I often hear clients lament, “Ugh, I shouldn’t have gotten angry though.” When someone doesn’t feel heard, seen, or accepted, resulting in emotions of hurt or shame, which are primary emotions, a protective mechanism comes up. That protection is a secondary emotion, likely anger.

For most people, it’s emotionally safer to have others attack the protective shield of anger, rather than know the more vulnerable feelings of hurt or shame. How can you know anger is mounting?

If someone is either 1) raising their voice or 2) repeating themselves, anger is mounting. Why? Each time a voice is raise or a phrase is repeated, they’re signaling they’re not feeling heard, seen, or accepted. Again, the primary emotions of hurt or shame arises. So what can you do to build a healthy relationship with anger?

First, if you notice anger mounting, notice what’s happening in your body and your breath. Is your body tight in some areas, perhaps even hot? Is your breath shallow or non-existent? If so, notice what’s happening and bring in breath through your nose and looseness in your body. Give the feeling of anger a big “thank you!” because it’s telling you an internal boundary is being walked upon.

Next, connect to your primary emotions. Are you experience hurt or shame, or perhaps another deeper emotion (i.e. feeling alone, sad, unprioritized, etc.)? The more you gain awareness and a relationship with this part of yourself, the less anger will need to protect yourself from experiencing these emotions.

Again, there’s no need to be afraid of anger. Anger is helpful and a healthy signal that you need to button up your boundaries with yourself or others. The more you tend to the anger (a secondary emotion) and the deeper hurt (a primary emotion), the calmer you’ll be in stressful situations.

Rethinking Anger