You Don't Need to Agree.
You Don't Need to Agree.
- Connect before you redirect
Our culture moves so quickly. We jump from task to task, idea to idea. We’ve got more to do with less time. The effort to become an individual—to create personal boundaries, meaning, and worth (which is no easy task!)—can come at the expense of a relationship. Often, our energy exchange with one another becomes transactional, naturally interacting with others by what we can get out of them to meet our own purpose.
As people are waking up more to how they feel, they also notice that in this newer, transcational energy exchange, true, authentic connection may feel lacking. Efficiency is killing intimacy. So what happens when a person feels emotionally disconnected (i.e. a spouse or a parent to a child, etc.)? They often communicate with a “redirect:”
“You’re not hearing what I’m saying”
“Here’s what really happened.”
“You should think about it this way instead.”
“You’re being too sensitive about this.”
“It’s not that big of a deal.”
“You’re wrong.”
Each statement to feel seen dismisses the essence of another person, and the reality is, no matter how cerebral, intellectual, logical a person is, everyone hates to have their thoughts and feelings dismissed. What’s a healthier way to communicate? It’s to “connect, then redirect.”
“Connect and redirect” is coined from psychiatrist and author, Dr. Daniel Siegel in “The Whole Brain Child.” He noticed children had difficulty responding to their parent’s directives unless they felt emotionally connected to. Why? People have two brains: an emotional brain and a rational brain. When a person is in their emotional brain they cannot connect to their rational brain. Essentially, parents needed to first calm a child’s emotional brain so they could access the rational brain (i.e. “pick up your toys;” “we need to leave;” “finish your dinner;” “stop hitting your sister”).
You know the dirty little secret as adults? We’re no different. When emotionally activated, it’s nearly impossible for us to respond to another person with genuine connection. Instead, we go into our primative brain.
What are ways to emotionally connect to another person? Long, calm breaths; a slight touch on the shoulder or cheek; warm eye contact; body posture attuned to another; a bit of praise; a phrase of empathy or compassion, etc. When given this warm connection, a person’s nervous system regulates and he or she can use their whole brain to now better take in the next directive.
When we speak and don’t feel the other person is emotionally connecting to us—whether it’s customer service, a boss, a romantic partner, etc.—it’s hard to whole-bodily take in another person. As our emotional consciousness is evolving as a species, we deeply value feeling a personal connection. As more relationships become transactional, digital, and automated, we want to feel valued. It’s a good thing!
What happens if you don’t feel valued? You may notice yourself devolving—that is going to a teen-like, child-like, or even infant-like emotional state. Yes, you feel like you’re reverting to childhood and you’ll cope with whatever methods you learned at that age. You may pout. You may argue. You may get defensive. You may turn into a slab of impenetrable granite.
So here’s the key to “connecting” to another: you don’t need to agree with another person to connect. In fact, it’s not healthy to constantly agree with others; humans are beautiful because we have completely different ways of viewing the same situation. Even if you don’t agree with someone, you can completely tune into them (with compassion), try to better understand them (with curiosity), give room (with calmness), and empower them (with confidence).
Evolutionarily, our minds and hearts becoming more complex and nuanced. More movies and tv shows are depicting the origin, darkness, turmoil, and intricacies of a character’s soul. In this evolution of the soul, people are feeling more distant and alone than ever, craving another person to connect to wherever they’re at. When a situation arises, we may experience half-a-dozen emotions at once. We want someones presence in the present to be a landing space for all that we are. The trap is that with evolving complexity, people have incorrectly assessed they MUST agree with every fiber of who they are, when instead, they’re just looking for emotional connection—further, if someone agrees with everything you say, you won’t trust them.
Evolved emotional consciousness is being able to connect to anyone (even if you don’t happen to ideologically agree with them). It’s holding two truths at once.
So give it a try. Put your own spin on it. Can you emotionally connect to another when you disagree? And next level, can you find ways to have another person emotionally connect to you even if they don’t agree? Let me know what happens.